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Protecting the Little Ones From God

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AaronSTL:
In January my wife and I found out we were pregnant.  We were ecstatic.  We just got married in October and we wanted to start having kids right away.  Realizing I was going to become a dad was the most amazing feeling.  I started planning the near future in my head, just imagining the possibilities.  She had her first doctor’s visit about three weeks later.  When they performed the ultrasound they told her that we had twins, but one had stopped developing.  That was pretty devastating.  Ever since we talked about having kids we decided we would love to start off with twins.  We were conflicted by mourning the one we lost and at the same time happy about the one we had.  We decided we had to persevere and just concentrate on the positive in our lives.  The next week she had another doctor’s visit, a routine checkup in for her condition.  When they performed that ultrasound they told us the other one had stopped developing too.  No heartbeats, nothing.  That was absolutely crushing.  Two days later they performed a procedure to remove them from her body.

Friends, family and coworkers have done the usual to console us, which unfortunately means being told that "Everything happens for a reason" or "god has a plan".  Being nonbelievers, we have been trying to make sense what those statements could mean.  Could they mean miscarriages happen so that god can teach a lesson to the parents?  If so, god can’t be all loving since he allows the suffering of the babies that are developed enough to sense pain.  Could they mean there was a problem at the start of their development and so god stepped in to save them from an unfortunate life?  If so, what the F@#&?  Why not just not allow the pregnancy to start in the first place?

I might be biased by emotion but I think miscarriages, stillbirths, etc are pretty good evidence negating the idea of a god’s existence.  If there was a god and for some reason he really needed to design the universe so that some pregnancies had to end without going to full term I’m pretty sure he could have made every single one of those pregnancies end before the parents were even aware of them.  Not having miscarriages wouldn’t negate our ability to have free will.  We wouldn’t start thinking “Oh man, there are no miscarriages, we don’t need faith, there has to be a God if there are no miscarriages”.  Not having miscarriages would just make the universe more perfect. 

SQ the ΣΛ/IGMд:
First off my condolences.
It cannot be easy to lose something you value so much.
I hate "God needed that person.  He has a purpose for him/her in heaven."
WTF?
God needs a fetus to do work in heaven?
How cruel!

DK:
Man, that is harsh. Condolences to you and your wife.

Can't really help you beyond that. Sorry.

Beleth:
I am very sorry to hear of that, Aaron.

When my wife was pregnant with our son, we went to all sorts of "what could go wrong" classes.  I came away from that thinking that it's totally amazing that any humans ever get born at all.

People tell you things like "God has a plan" because they want to be helpful in any way they can be.  When people say things like that, what they are really saying is "I care about you and want to help you not feel so bad, but I don't know the magic words to make that happen, so I'll say these words instead."  Which, when you come right down to it, is the same thing that I did in my "what could go wrong" paragraph above.

All I can say is to take those messages in the spirit in which they are intended -- which is one of commiseration.  A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.

wastrel:

--- Quote from: Beleth on Mar 18, 2009, 09:45:36 AM ---All I can say is to take those messages in the spirit in which they are intended -- which is one of commiseration.  A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.

--- End quote ---

This.  I know that such phrases always burn my ears when I hear them, but the sentiment is what is important.

I will add my condolences.  Never being in this situation I cannot imagine how difficult this type of loss would be, but I can't imagine it being anything short of devastating.

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