Thanks AQB! The smokes; D'oh! Already tossed them in the trash, but I keep sneaking back in to pull one after the other out. Ridiculous. I'm a fool. This is gonna take some doing and will power. Probably should flush them and be done with them. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking, just falling back into old habits to deal with overwhelming stresses. Yeah, I'm gonna go flush them, they've been making me feel shitty all day; chest pain and nausea and panic attacks... It's not like I'm going cold turkey after 15 years again, like I did the other year, but if I don't stop now I'm not gonna be able to stop tomorrow or next week, by which time I'll be a smoker again. I'm an idiot. Seriously, I've had like three panic attacks today, I thought I was having a heart attack at one point in the day... Granted, I do have a panic disorder, and the attacks are unbearably painful and frightening, like having a heart attack or something, but the nicotine isn't helping, it's making it worse right now, and thoughts of relapsing back into smoking are pushing me over the edge of my calm. I'm gonna be having a hell of a time climbing these hills on my bike (which was the incentive I needed the other year when I quit). I should go for a ride in the morning, I know I'm gonna think about a smoke at some point in the AM, at which time I should just jump on the bike and tackle a hill and feel the pain of the damage I've just done. It is surprising how little and how fast it takes for these blasted cigarets to affect one's ability to breath, and the increase in blood pressure and heart rate is frightening... Just need to make sure I don't cycle towards a place that sells smokes or over exert myself. If memory serves, from quitting, the elation and endorphins after a good workout put nicotine cravings and thoughts of smoking out of my head for the rest of the day.
