Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 20709 times)

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Offline Halloran

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Joke Friday!
« on: June 03, 2011, 02:25:56 PM »
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Happy Friday!

Offline Citizen Skeptic

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2011, 03:15:31 PM »
LOL. I have a terrible memory for jokes but I'm a good laugher. :)
Stay thirsty for knowledge my friends.
--The most interesting man in the world

Offline JoelWhy

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2011, 03:21:01 PM »
lol!
"I distrust those people who know so well what god wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

Offline Halloran

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2011, 05:29:25 PM »
American guy, English guy, and Irish guy go into a pub -- each order a pint. Fly drops in the American's beer; he grunts and drinks it down, fly and all. Fly drops in the Englishman's beer; he says "my word" and demands anew beer. Fly drops in the Irishman's beer; he grabs the fly and shouts "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Happy Friday!

Offline Citizen Skeptic

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2011, 06:30:17 PM »
What did the mama Spanish mackerel say to it's babies when they were born?


Nada.
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Offline Drunken Idaho

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2011, 07:57:36 PM »
What do call a fish with no eyes?


Fsh.
Strange women lying in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government.

Offline Halloran

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2011, 02:13:07 PM »

Offline AQB24712

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2011, 02:19:15 PM »
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this?  Some kind of a joke?"
"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."  Kurt Vonnegut
"You can bet your last money it's all gonna be a stone gas, honey."  Don Cornelius
"Wow! You spark up my entire thinking faculty."  A scammer/bot on a dating site

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2011, 03:20:43 PM »
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy was not as drunk so he was able to stop in time.  :downsrim:
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline AQB24712

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2011, 03:24:48 PM »
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer.  And a mop."
"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."  Kurt Vonnegut
"You can bet your last money it's all gonna be a stone gas, honey."  Don Cornelius
"Wow! You spark up my entire thinking faculty."  A scammer/bot on a dating site

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2011, 03:25:30 PM »
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



V
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Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round !
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline Anders

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2011, 03:32:06 PM »
President Rick Perry

You better damn hope it stays a joke
“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.” Charles Darwin

Offline Eternally Learning

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2011, 03:49:04 PM »
So a man is driving down a wooded road late at night and just as he crests a hill he hears a loud "THUD!"  As he slams on his brakes he sees a spattering of blood hit his windshield and more oddly, a few dozen brightly colored eggs and a basket fly up in the air in front of his car.  Confused and shocked he sits there for a second to collect himself, then gets out to see what he hit. 

As he comes around to the front of the front of the car, he gasps and takes a step back.  He sees what appears to be a large rabbit (at least 3-4 feet tall) wearing clothes.  He had just killed the Easter Bunny!  As he's trying to get a handle on all this, another car pulls up and stops. 

A blond woman gets out and starts to ask, "Mister, are you alr- OH MY GOD!  Is that... the Easter Bunny?!"  The man, having no words silently and sadly nods.  The woman quickly straightens herself and says, "I think I know how to fix this," walks back to her car and comes back with a bottle of something the man can't quite make out. 

She stoops over the dead holiday hero and squeezes out some thick liquid on his head and starts to massage it into his scalp.  Immediately the bunny opens his eyes, hops to his feet, smiles and waves at them, collects the basket and eggs that are still intact, waves again, then starts hopping down the road without a word but still waving with every hop until he disappeared over the next hill.

Completely flabergasted, the man turns, wide-eyed to the woman and grabs the bottle from her.  He is startled to see that it's just shampoo!  "But... how di-" the man starts to ask.  "Read the label,"  the woman matter-of-factly says.   As the man looks for something, anything on a shampoo label that could explain what he just saw, he suddenly stops.  He found it. 

"Restoring Shampoo," it said, "Brings dead hairs back to life.  Adds permanant wave."

Offline AxeGrrl

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2011, 04:02:33 PM »

A baby boy was born without any arms or legs, or any torso at all.....just a cranium.  As he grows older, he continually asks his mother "mommy, will i ever get a body?"  and every time he asked, his mother would reply:  "well, pray hard dear and someday you might".....

So the boy says that prayer every single night before he goes to bed ~ and one morning, he wakes up and his prayers have been answered!  He has a full body, with perfectly functioning arms and legs.  Needless to say, he's over the moon with joy and excitement, so he runs downstairs and says "mommy, look!  I prayed hard and now i have a body!"  the mother replies: "that's wonderful dear!  now, why don't you go outside and play?"  so he runs outside...........and gets hit by a truck.

What's the moral of the story?


Quit while you're a head!
"Wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

Offline Eternally Learning

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2011, 04:07:37 PM »
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!"


 

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