Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 7865 times)

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Offline D'oh!

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #120 on: May 05, 2012, 03:19:34 AM »
Monkey Bar - Penguin Blew A Seal
"The power of Christ compels you!"

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #121 on: Jun 01, 2012, 12:43:02 PM »
The Worst Slogan Translations Ever...

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."


Offline Shadow Of A Doubt

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #122 on: Jun 01, 2012, 07:36:48 PM »
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

I heard a similar story only it was Vauxhall selling the Vauxhall Nova in Spain.  :raise:

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #123 on: Jun 08, 2012, 08:50:11 AM »
                                                    Some Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


   At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down.

 

   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.  Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

 

  Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

 

 Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

 

  In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Marijuana"

 

 Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

 

  Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

 

  Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

 

  Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

 

 Sing Along At The Opera.



  Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

 

   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

 

   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!  I Won!"

 

  When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running toward the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!"

 

  Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

 

 


Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #124 on: Jun 22, 2012, 11:47:03 AM »
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"


Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #125 on: Jun 22, 2012, 01:33:27 PM »
The answer....

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."


Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #126 on: Jul 06, 2012, 09:59:10 AM »
You Might Be A Redneck If...when you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.


Online Chew

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #127 on: Aug 03, 2012, 12:50:55 AM »
From Mind Your Decisions, a game theory blog.

Quote
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
"It is difficult to say what truth is, but sometimes it is easy to recognize falsehood." -Albert Einstein

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #128 on: Aug 03, 2012, 08:01:50 AM »
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He attempted to start up a conversation with the line, 'Where does you go to school?'

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
'Yale,' she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, 'WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?!!!'

Offline D'oh!

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #129 on: Aug 03, 2012, 09:22:26 PM »
Lost!


A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."
"The power of Christ compels you!"

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #130 on: Aug 03, 2012, 09:50:45 PM »
Lost!


A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."
:laugh: :laugh: good one.

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #131 on: Aug 10, 2012, 02:04:04 PM »
Grounds for divorce...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."



Offline Anders

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #132 on: Aug 10, 2012, 02:06:55 PM »
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".


I am skeptical
“You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded... So forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.”

Lawrence Krauss

"Whiplash, heavy metal laxative"

Misheard KISS song lyrics

"I tawt I taw a Balwog! I did! I did tee a Balwog!"

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #133 on: Aug 10, 2012, 02:08:26 PM »
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".


I am skeptical
Score one for you but you know this is a joke thread and not Useless Facts.

Offline Anders

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #134 on: Aug 10, 2012, 02:15:49 PM »
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer was extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
“You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded... So forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.”

Lawrence Krauss

"Whiplash, heavy metal laxative"

Misheard KISS song lyrics

"I tawt I taw a Balwog! I did! I did tee a Balwog!"