Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 19710 times)

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Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #30 on: October 14, 2011, 01:33:59 PM »
Two in a row.  :laugh: :laugh:
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2011, 07:38:06 PM »
There are two types of people in the universe, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data and....



There are 10 types of people in the world.  Those that understand binary, and those that don't.



Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here!"
Argon doesn't react.

Offline seaotter

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2011, 07:59:51 PM »
A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says " You're early."    :downsrim:

(just made that one up)

The one I heard was :

Bartender says we don't serve faster than light particles here.

Neutrino walks into a bar.
"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." Lewis Carroll

Offline Halloran

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #33 on: November 04, 2011, 12:22:55 PM »
Two nuns are driving through a forest late at night when all of a sudden a vampire lands in front of them.

One of the nuns yells at the other "Quick Sister, show him your cross!"

So the other nun, in a panic, winds down the window and screams "FUCK OFF!!!".

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #34 on: November 04, 2011, 12:41:16 PM »
A Penguin:  "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
Another Penguin:  "How do you know I'm not?"
"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."  Kurt Vonnegut
"You can bet your last money it's all gonna be a stone gas, honey."  Don Cornelius
"Wow! You spark up my entire thinking faculty."  A scammer/bot on a dating site

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #35 on: November 04, 2011, 12:54:16 PM »
 Are Blind Pilots Flying? 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.


The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.


At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.


The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.


Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.


When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.


Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"



 
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline Eternally Learning

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #36 on: November 04, 2011, 01:38:09 PM »
Alright; get ready for some groan-inducing puntastic jokes:

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Cows into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby loudly discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close downbut they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

And finally, There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #37 on: November 04, 2011, 02:09:09 PM »
ARRGH ! So it be puns ye be after.   :pirate:


The great Russian czar Rudolph stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting.

He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!"

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be snow you are seeing."

The Czar shook his head looked back out the window and said, "Nyet. It is raining."

"No dear.", she said. "It really must be snow."

He looks back and her and says. "I am the Czar of all Russia, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 :downsrim:
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline seaotter

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #38 on: November 04, 2011, 05:21:55 PM »
Seal quits his job as a day trader to go back to school to become a marine biologist. His girlfriend asks why he gave up such a great salary. I did it for the halibut.
"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." Lewis Carroll

Offline Eternally Learning

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #39 on: November 04, 2011, 05:28:06 PM »
A new nurse listened while one of the doctors was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

Offline Halloran

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #40 on: November 18, 2011, 12:02:13 PM »
An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? " She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."
« Last Edit: November 18, 2011, 12:04:24 PM by Halloran »

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #41 on: November 18, 2011, 12:31:45 PM »
First Thing to do after Jail 


Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
 
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline Eternally Learning

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #42 on: November 18, 2011, 01:38:58 PM »
After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating thelimo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"



Offline Woolf

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #43 on: November 18, 2011, 05:45:31 PM »
I hope there are no rules against ribald friday jokes.

In the airplane, the chief pilot once forgot to switch off microphone of the deck broadcast system. So the passengers heard him as he said: "All right co-pilot, keep us on that altitude. Now I'll have a coffee and then I'm gonna fuck that new flight attendant."
The young flight attendant heard that too and ran towards the pilot cabin to tell them the microphone is on.
One of passengers leaned into the aisle and yelled, "No need to hurry, he said coffee first!"


An immigrant worker from Ukraine came to a doctor. With his broken English he started to explain, that he's hopelessly constipated. The doctor told him to bend forward. Then he stepped behind the worker and kicked him hard in the arse. The worker from Ukraine suddenly jumped and ran to the toilet. When he returned, he said, "Thanks doc. What should I do so it won't get back?"
"Stop wiping yourself with cement bags!"
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Offline j_j

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #44 on: November 18, 2011, 07:22:50 PM »
Out here in Seattle, I90 goes across Lake Washington on a floating bridge with lots of lanes. At the Seattle end of the bridge, there are 3 tunnels. One goes westbound, one goes eastbound, and the third one swaps directions depending on the hour and the direction of the high occupancy vehicle lanes.

Now, Gloria, a woman who had to quit taking the bus, because she came down with sic transit Gloria mundi, rides in a van pool that crosses I90 every morning and night.

One morning, she became ill as she entered Seattle. Bingo, it happened the next time, too. So she finally had to give up and get a new job that didn't require so much commuting.

The problem, of course, was simple:
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She had car pool tunnel syndrome!
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