Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 20717 times)

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Offline HighPockets

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #270 on: February 17, 2017, 01:29:30 PM »
Wow, I guess nobody's been in a Joking mood since November...I wonder why?


At an evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised.

During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The usher listened to this complaint, and promised he would check into it. 

At the end of the night’s performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of. 

A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
"Be mindful of the work you leave for others." -JJH

Online Harry Black

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #271 on: February 17, 2017, 01:49:11 PM »
Wow, I guess nobody's been in a Joking mood since November...I wonder why?


At an evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised.

During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The usher listened to this complaint, and promised he would check into it. 

At the end of the night’s performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of. 

A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
I audibly groaned!
Thank you.

Offline HighPockets

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #272 on: March 03, 2017, 06:11:25 PM »
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

Helium doesn't react.
"Be mindful of the work you leave for others." -JJH

Offline HighPockets

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #273 on: March 10, 2017, 02:44:22 PM »
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
"Be mindful of the work you leave for others." -JJH

Offline seamas

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #274 on: March 10, 2017, 03:43:02 PM »
This one works  when spoken rather than written, but I still love it.

Q. What did Sigmund Freud claim to come between fear and sex?





A:    fünf










Offline SkeptiQueer

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #275 on: March 10, 2017, 07:31:50 PM »
I've recently been diagnosed with a severe disorder but I think it might be a quack diagnosis, my physician claims the problem is with my humor. I'm supposed to watch what I eat to avoid getting the puns, check the house and remove any joking hazards, and make sure my SO can identify the signs of gagging.
HIISSSSSSSS

Offline HighPockets

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #276 on: March 17, 2017, 11:56:48 AM »
"Be mindful of the work you leave for others." -JJH

Online Desert Fox

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #277 on: May 12, 2017, 01:19:53 AM »
I don't know if this fits?
http://www.duffelblog.com/2017/05/going-goddamned-black-powder-trump-rails-armys-search-new-rifle/

‘You going to goddamned black powder’ — Trump rails against the Army’s search for a new rifle

You know the gun is quite important. So I said what is this? Sir, this is our cartridge system. He said well, we’re going to this because we wanted to have better range on our weapons. I said you don’t use black powder anymore for gun? No sir. I said, “Ah, how is it working?” “Sir, not good. Not good. Doesn’t have the power. You know the blackpowder with grapeshot is just brutal. You see that sucker going and shrapnel going all over the place, there’s burning gases thrown up in the air, big, big explosion, very strong.”

And it’s very complicated, you have to be Samuel Colt to figure it out. And I said–and now they want to buy more cartridge. New ones. That use cartridge. I said what system are you going to be–”Sir, we’re staying with cartridge.” I said no you’re not. You going to goddamned black powder, the cartridge costs hundreds of millions of dollars more money and it’s no good. Cartridge.


"Give me the storm and tempest of thought and action, rather than the dead calm of ignorance and faith. Banish me from Eden when you will; but first let me eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge."
— Robert G. Ingersoll