Author Topic: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About  (Read 7670 times)

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Offline Johnny Slick

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WHAT THE TITLE SAYS and also I might be MASSIVELY inaccurate about some of this stuff so if you see something that makes your nerdrage boil, please by all means correct me.

Sorry to get a little medieval-nerdy but this is on the top of my head ATM:

- People walking around wearing armor all the time. Nah, man. You ain't walking around with a god damn full set of plate armor all the time. You're putting that crap on right before battle (really, in the case of full plate, probably just jousting) and you're taking it off right after. That crap is pretty damn heavy and in order for it to stop chafing you (not to mention to prevent you from when a person whacks you with a mace or ax as well), you need to wear a bunch of padding underneath as well. So even if you can manage to wear it around all day strength-wise (and yes, I've seen the clips of people doing backflips and the like in plate - I could do a lot of things in football pads, too, and I sure as hell wasn't wearing those things around all day either), that armor is hot as *balls*.

- People shooting arrows at people who are like 20 feet away from them, and just generally archers. Okay, so modern bows allow you to generate a lot of power with not a lot of effort. That's really, really not the case with older weapons. The English longbow - which, first up, is like 6 feet long, so you're not generally going to be pointing that straight at a person unless you're pretty close to them and don't have something covering you, and if that's the case, why are you taking the time to shoot at them and not pulling out your backup weapon? - had a draw force of 105 pounds. That means, more or less, that it takes as much strength to draw the bow back as it takes to do a 105-pound row (I mean, not *exactly* the same, the muscles used are different and the physics are a bit different, too, but you get the general idea). That takes some *effort* and guess what that means you're not going to be able to do a lot of? Taking the time to aim, for one. The primary use of the bow, at least in Europe, was that you pointed it upwards with a hundred other guys and used it like artillery against your opponents. To do that Legolas crap with the ease that he did, you had to be *really* strong or using a magical bow or something.

- Shields. Yeah, you also probably aren't walking around with those on your back. If you're just walking around in the late medieval or renaissance period, you're probably not wearing any armor - maybe your padded gambeson, but even that's pretty heavy and not something you'd want to be hanging out in in the middle of the summer - and maybe a buckler on your belt. If you thought somebody might jump you in the middle of the street you hired bodyguards to stand around you.

- Sword-dueling. Admittedly I don't do this myself but I KNOW PEOPLE WHO DO and the stuff you see in the moves with all the blocking and parrying, at best it's for very specific varieties of dueling (there were parts of Germany, for example, that still did trial by combat pretty late into the period). You didn't dance around like a fencer when you were in an army because dancing around broke your line and got you and the people next to you killed. And even with regular old dueling, by the middle of the Renaissance the trend was towards ridiculously long and thin swords where the point wasn't to stand toe to toe with somebody like you were Cary Elwes and they were Mandy Patinkin but to lung at someone, impale them with your first strike, and get out of dodge as quickly as you could. It's not fun to make movies about, sure, but I think that by 1550 or so even most swordfights probably ended in like 10 seconds or less.

- Poor fools. They don't get pitied enough in the movies. NOT NEARLY ENOUGH
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Offline seamas

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 05:51:53 PM »
This is something that seems to be getting worse and worse in action adventure movies :

Injuries.

The hero (or sometimes the bad guy) manages to avoid getting injured despite falling from 3-10 stories, or was just a yard or two away from a massive explosion, or is punched HARD in the jaw.
Most of the explosions or falling also have lots of debris, including shards of glass.  Hero will have scraped arm or shoulder or knee and one small gash on the cheek. Otherwise, is good to go. Maybe with a limp that goes away in less than a scene or two, only to re-appear at the end when the credits roll while he kisses his fine lady.

Hero also gets shot and /or stabbed in the abdomen or sometimes the arm, but will manage blood loss just by putting their free hand there and maybe a bandage made from a shirt sleeve.

Recovery from injuries is always fun too.
Concussions? Nope. After the hero comes to after being knocked out, he just has to adjust his jaw, shake his head a little, and he is ready to go again.
Broken bones, just a makeshift splint is all you need to get back to fighting the bad guy.




Online Harry Black

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2017, 05:55:11 PM »
Add- Women are too weak to wield swords but are awesome archers. Really?!
Because wielding a long sword takes much less strength than drawing a heavy bow.
Which women can also do.

Also- contoured female armour. No.

On the subject of armour- plate carriers with no plates in modern movies/shows.
'tactical' vests with no pouches. Why?

Laser dots for 'snipers'.

Supposedly expert fighters who cant seem to get out of simple holds without some dramatic last ditch punch or headbutt.

All care of all wounds. Ever.

Offline Johnny Slick

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2017, 06:07:49 PM »
This is something that seems to be getting worse and worse in action adventure movies :

Injuries.

The hero (or sometimes the bad guy) manages to avoid getting injured despite falling from 3-10 stories, or was just a yard or two away from a massive explosion, or is punched HARD in the jaw.
Most of the explosions or falling also have lots of debris, including shards of glass.  Hero will have scraped arm or shoulder or knee and one small gash on the cheek. Otherwise, is good to go. Maybe with a limp that goes away in less than a scene or two, only to re-appear at the end when the credits roll while he kisses his fine lady.

Hero also gets shot and /or stabbed in the abdomen or sometimes the arm, but will manage blood loss just by putting their free hand there and maybe a bandage made from a shirt sleeve.

Recovery from injuries is always fun too.
Concussions? Nope. After the hero comes to after being knocked out, he just has to adjust his jaw, shake his head a little, and he is ready to go again.
Broken bones, just a makeshift splint is all you need to get back to fighting the bad guy.
Yeah... in *fairness* concussions are weird in that sometimes they just lay you completely out for weeks whereas other times you can get right back up and do your thing, just feeling woozy or whatever. I agree that you pretty much *never* see the first kind of concussion and for that matter don't see the effects of repetitive concussive injuries pretty much ever.

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Add- Women are too weak to wield swords but are awesome archers. Really?!
Because wielding a long sword takes much less strength than drawing a heavy bow.
Which women can also do.

Also- contoured female armour. No.

On the subject of armour- plate carriers with no plates in modern movies/shows.
'tactical' vests with no pouches. Why?

Laser dots for 'snipers'.

Supposedly expert fighters who cant seem to get out of simple holds without some dramatic last ditch punch or headbutt.

All care of all wounds. Ever.
Oh man, forgot about boobplate. Yeah, um... let's manufacture some armor that will nicely contour your boobs and, as an added bonus, if someone hits you there, will act like a spike going straight into your sternum and kill you. Hooray!
Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Offline moj

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2017, 06:38:08 PM »
never saying good bye on the phone, everyone just hangs up, so rude. Or instantly finding parking in cities. I know both of those are probably cut to save time but saying " later" literally only takes a second.

Offline teethering

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2017, 06:51:07 PM »
Anything computer related -- hacking, programming, using CAD tools, using signal filters.  A lot of furious typing, nothing at all related to what you'd be actually doing on a computer.

Some noteable exceptions with things like Mr. Robot, but for the most part it's suuuuuuper dire.

Also, pretty much all aspects of both shooting and getting shot.

Online Mr. Beagle

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2017, 07:09:46 PM »
Chase scenes in general. We now see real-life dash-cams on the net, and driving is never so interestingly choreographed. Just stupid drivers everywhere.

One of my favorite songs from the duo Trout Fishing in America, where they skewer the characters and dialogue in movies and TV.

My favorite: in movies, "everyone's beautiful, unless they're ugly and then they're really ugly." (The typical high school class, for instance).



Quote
In the books that I've been reading,
they say exactly what they mean,
They don't say uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
They don't stutter, they don't mutter.
They don't repeat themselves.
They don't repeat themselves.
They know exactly what they're doing, they know why.
Who are these people? Where do they live?
They have so much to offer, they have so much to give.
Who are these people? What do they know that I don't know?
Who are they?
In the movies I've been watching, everyone's beautiful,
Unless they're ugly and then they're really ugly.
Acting like it all makes sense to be doing what they do,
They don't act anything at all like me and you.
Who are these people? Where do they live?
I haven't met them in my travels, never went to school with them.
Where are these keen minds with their perfect sentences,
Calm and collected, so full of confidence?
They're not sick unless they're dying,
They don't watch too much TV,
Their life's so action-packed that they may never get to sleep.
Who are these people? What do they know that I don't know?
Who are they?

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Online superdave

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2017, 07:22:53 PM »
In the movie the girl next door, a major plot point ...
spoilers: but really this movie sucks so who cares...
is that the villain is able to drain someones bank account at a bank by saying he is the relative of the person who owns the account.  But it's not a joint account.  Even the teller believed that the villain was a relative, no one in their right mind would allow this to happen.

ok so this is more of a plot hole but still

umm

finding parking in Manhattan less than a quarter mile from the destination.

To those of you who have never parked in Manhattan, yes, a quarter mile is honestly what I consider to be a close spot in Manhattan.  A half mile or more is  not totally unreasonable depending on what your outing is.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2017, 07:28:15 PM by superdave »

Offline bimble

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2017, 07:33:30 PM »
it's basic geography mistakes that annoy me. I can't watch Thor 2 simply because in the final battle scene he steps onto a tube train at Cannon St and is told that it's only a couple of stops back to Greenwich. But it's not. Greenwich doesn't even have a tube station!! Apparently all for that one gag of Thor, in full armour, catching the train back to the battle.

Or in Die Hard 5 where they drive from Moscow to Chernobyl inside one evening... even though it's a +850km/11hr drive between the two.

Or in one of the Fast & Furious films where they did a chase around London... but appear in random parts of London... cross the Thames going South on one bridge, and then shortly go over another bridge... also going South.

And going back to London Underground mistakes... Skyfall. Whilst chasing Silva onto a busy platform that is supposedly on the Circle/District line, the train and platform are part of the deep line system, that use much smaller trains than the sub-surface lines. Though it didn't matter that they used the Circle/District line, it made no difference. They could have used deep line colourings. Likewise, Silva crashed a train at rush hour... an empty train. In London. At rush hour.

Online arthwollipot

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2017, 11:42:53 PM »
Man, don't get me started.

- Shields. Yeah, you also probably aren't walking around with those on your back. If you're just walking around in the late medieval or renaissance period, you're probably not wearing any armor - maybe your padded gambeson, but even that's pretty heavy and not something you'd want to be hanging out in in the middle of the summer - and maybe a buckler on your belt. If you thought somebody might jump you in the middle of the street you hired bodyguards to stand around you.

Damn, you got me started.

First, if you're in the late medieval or renaissance period, you're probably not using a shield at all. Plate armour and firearms make shields pretty much redundant. During earlier periods it was indeed common to carry your shield on your back - many shields had a leather strap called a "guige" which was for exactly this purpose.

BUT - don't even think of trying to fight with a shield on your back. For a start, it gets in the way and you bang your elbows on it. A lot. Believe me, I've tried it and I got really sore elbows. Second, it's fairly weighty and it swings about getting in your way and throwing off your balance. Third, if your shield is on your back, it's pretty much useless to you as a shield. You can't use it to block blows, and that's what a shield is for. Fourth, don't get ambushed. Just don't. Because it's a real pain in the ass to get a shield off your back and into a useable position on your arm. Seriously - it takes ages. Ages to get it off your back, because if the strap is tight enough that the damn thing doesn't hang around the level of the backs of your knees then it's awkward and difficult to remove it from your back. And ages to bring it into position on your arm, unless it was a Viking-style punchgrip which was transported on the longship and not on your back anyway.

Transporting your shield by hanging it on your back from its guige is perfectly reasonable. Carry it, march to your battle, then stop and get it into position well before doing any actual fighting. Bucklers were known from the C12th and lasted for quite a while, but even those bang around a lot against your leg when you walk (the origin of the word "swashbuckler").

And oh god here I go. Someone please stop me.

Wearing armour all day. It depends on what period you're talking about, and what region. What most people think of as "full plate armour" was fairly late - around C15th, and yeah, it took ages to get into it. Most northern European countries are pretty cold though, so unless you're going on a crusade to the Holy Land you're not going to have a problem with heat. Oddly enough, it was during the crusades that the surcoat and mantle were invented. The most famous Italian armour was Milanese, and that's pretty high up towards the Alps. It can get pretty hot in summer yeah, but for most of the year the weather is mild to cold. You don't usually hear about Roman, Napoli or Palerman plate armour. Most of the other well-known styles of armour (Gothic, Maximillian) are from Germany.

During a tournament, you'd gear up before your first fight, then you'd just stay in your armour. It takes so long that it's just not worth it to get in and out of it all the time. But you also wouldn't be going on long marches. You'd be staying in your pavilion, sitting down and drinking watered wine.

Before the plate period, it was quite reasonable for people to wear mail armour all day. I've done it. Mail is heavy, but you get used to it. It feels really nice when you take it off, but it's often easier just to leave it on. The best way to transport mail is on your body. You don't want to be carrying it. Put it in a box on a cart, or wear it. The more you wear it, the easier it gets to wear.

Offline Noisy Rhysling

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2017, 01:38:54 PM »
WWII. Any tank is a Tiger. Any ship is a battleship. The latest movie on USS Indianapolis shows how little they know about ships.
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Offline amysrevenge

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2017, 01:46:41 PM »
Things Movies Get Wrong: Almost everything


That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About: My main one is gravity/acceleration/inertia in SF movies.  Give me something handwavey and I'll shut up, or do it correctly (The Expanse is so good about this).
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Online Ah.hell

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2017, 02:24:35 PM »
For, almost nothing if the movie is engaging enough.  But everything you've all mentioned if the movie doesn't distract me from them otherwise. 

IDK, the expanse is pretty spotty on gravity.   Sometimes there isn't any some time there is when it doesn't seem like there should be but they do pay attention to it under high g acceleration which is probably why you think there good at it. 

Edit, except head injury.  Always stupid because it always does what the plot needs it to do but not realistically.

Offline teethering

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2017, 06:03:59 PM »
Before the plate period, it was quite reasonable for people to wear mail armour all day. I've done it. Mail is heavy, but you get used to it. It feels really nice when you take it off, but it's often easier just to leave it on. The best way to transport mail is on your body. You don't want to be carrying it. Put it in a box on a cart, or wear it. The more you wear it, the easier it gets to wear.

Mail also cleans itself if you wear it.

Online superdave

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Re: Things Movies Get Wrong That You Are A Pedant For Getting Mad About
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2017, 06:22:08 PM »
Quote
The signal pattern is learning, it's EVOLVING on its own, and you need to move past Fourier transforms and start thinking quantum mechanics...

Transformers 2007

There is so much wrong here, I don't know where to start.
BTW I made this my official lab motto during grad school.

 

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