Author Topic: Drunken homework assignments  (Read 920 times)

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Offline Andrew Clunn

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Drunken homework assignments
« on: April 17, 2011, 04:14:08 PM »
While sifting through files on my hard drive I came across something I have not read in quite some time.  In a BS humanities class we were instructed to write an example cover letter and then explain why we chose to write it the way we did.  I may have been a bit more than drunk when I wrote this...
But anyways, here for your reading pleasure was my assignment:

   I understand that many of you are unemployed and broke, unable to convince anyone that you are capable of performing the simplest of tasks.  That is why I have taken it upon myself to help all you unworthy wastes to stop leaching off of society like ticks and get a decent job.
   Now many people will tell you that to get a job you need training, work experience, people skills and a bunch of other useless nonsense.  I'm here to tell you that is all true, but because we've already established that you are worthless, let's just focus on the one area that you might be able to handle (unless of course you are illiterate, in which case stop reading now), the cover letter.  I heard on TV that the best way to teach is by example, so please read the following example letter.  Afterward I will enlighten you to the intricacies of it's brilliance so that you can plagiarize it repeatedly until some fool breaks down and hires you.

Dear James Warner:

   I would like to apply for the position of Patient Monitoring Sales Representative, as seen advertised on  Now I really wanted to be a fireman, but doesn't have any fireman positions.  All it seems to have are executives, sales representatives, and medical assistants.  I chose the job of Patient Monitoring Sales Representative because it mixes both sales representative and medical assistant, allowing me to hedge my bets and double my chances at acceptance.
   I am an ex-cop, snowboarder/astronaut, but also a pathological liar and none of those things.  I attend State University of New York Institute of Technology, in Utica.  This is my third freshman year there. I major in Computer Engineering and this is my second year at State University of New York Institute of Technology, in Utica.  You should hire me because everybody else is trying to hire me.  Come on, all the cool kids are doing it.
   I have past experience as a burger flip boy who got fired on his second day for being three hours late.  That is why I could not afford to go to someplace other than State University of New York Institute of Technology, in Utica.  I also have past experience as a famous person in a past life.  Only the best and wealthiest companies can get an employee like me (Starting salary $93,000).
   I aspire to get your crummy job and mock my boss secretly for years until I let loose with staplers and conquer the office in a bloody insurgency.  However I also have ambition and aspirations, dreams and candycanes, a future and hire me now, HIRE ME NOW, HIRE ME NOW...
   I understand that the world of a Patient Monitoring Sales Representative is not a solitary one.  I expect to have to deal with what can sometimes be described as unruly patients... otherwise known as customers or the whiny people who pay for my big screen TV.  Although this profession requires a Bachelor's Degree, I assume Ben Franklin over here saying I got the job might help.  And if you're quick, two Ben Franklins.
   I really enjoy the idea of moving to Houston, Texas to fill this position.  While in Texas I intend to indulge in low-priced chocolate until I encase myself in an insulated layer with which to survive the harsh winters in the icy land of Texas.  I get good job to gain great glory in the area of Patient Monitoring Sales Representatives.  The letter sent to me to tell me I have gotten the job is like happiness, and thank you for writing it.  It is like the sun rising in the morning.
   While my education in the field of computer engineering may seem off track for a career as a Patient Monitoring Sales Representative,  I assure you that my time at State University of New York Institute of Technology, in Utica was well spent.  Aside from the ambiguously defined topics of the classes, and the glaring irrelevance to my field, they have helped me to overcome my clinically proven irrational fear of getting up before two in the afternoon.  You could not hire me, and continue the dwindling days of you current life uninspired by my raw presence, or you could rejoice in the wisdom of your decision to hire me as the beginning of your fantastic journey into a world of peace and harmony.
   I also wanted to include sex appeal in this letter, however I am only able to convey myself through ascii characters as this is a letter and I have a really old printer, so:
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   I believe this accurately conveys the possibilities that await you if you hire me.  Hiring me makes you cool, and that makes women, men, or children (you sick petaphile) like you.  However it will all end tragically when one of you contracts a horrific disease that rips you apart.  I claim all movie and play rites to its epic retelling as a classic love story throughout history.  Also the above ascii image is blatantly stolen from a website with no reference or credit given.
   I am looking for a challenging profession that will make me immune to the sense that my life is a downward spiral compelled toward the center of an expansive series of events that I have only (insert omniscient divine entity here) to blame for.  This is the only true line of this letter.*  It is with great anticipation that I await your humble reply begging me to fulfill the role of a Patient Monitoring Sales Representative.  My sunny disposition and firm, but flexible education at State University of New York Institute of Technology, in Utica have opened up this quickly growing field and I will be the first to welcome myself to Management Recruiters of DallasNorthwest (Or whatever company you loan me out to as a temp).

                     With Care and Concern for your sick child,
                                 Bob Barker

* No, this is.

   It is with heavy labor and a deep sense of accomplishment that I admire my application to James Warner of DallasNorthwest for the position of Patient Monitoring Sales Representative.  It was simply a certainty that I would obtain the job after such an onslaught of mental stimuli, focused solely on procuring me said position with said company.  Let us look at my step by step implementation of various propaganda and influencing techniques within the letter.
   Disguised among the factual statements and monotone affirmations of my past is a line that rings with significance.  "You should hire me because everybody else is trying to hire me."  Made aware of this trend the reader must question their own validity as a human.  If everyone else is attempting to hire this person, then doesn't that make hiring this person a part of being human?  What does this do to my own humanity?  Faced with these deeply threatening assaults on the reader's sense of self, they quickly submit and join in said hiring, falling to the might of the bandwagon.
   But some readers contain a sense of self that separates them from ordinary bandwagon approaches.  Believing themselves to be transcended into the neo-human species (The cool person) they will only follow the likes of their own kind, making, "Come on all the cool kids are doing it." a necessary deal clincher.
   As I go through the motions with the common, but all too necessary past lives experience claims, I realize that the latent good deeds and forgotten achievements of my ancestors may not be enough to sway this hardened employer.  "Only the best and wealthiest companies can get an employee like me (Starting salary $93,000)."  This is the answer to overcome that shell.  It is of course causing both jealously and triumph within employers, based upon that employer's perception of how profitable business is.  This would either satisfy an arrogant notion to my future employer, and associate that feeling of accomplishment with me, or they would sell their business on the spot, realizing how little funding it generates.  If I don't get the position, no one will.  I also felt that taking this buttered up moment to make a salary request would (While not being in good taste) ease the idea in without being blunt and losing that all encompassing sodality.
   The next paragraph is short, but so overloaded with ways to entice my prospective employer that it little requires the rest of the letter to work.  As I use words designed to stimulate a sense of deep thought and trust within the reader, such as aspirations, dreams, and also, I break within this sentence to redirect you thoughts from the open trusting nature of my words to the act of hiring me immediately.  This switch is actually intentional, allowing the reader to then form a connection between this trusting feeling and hiring me.
   The use of Ben Franklin's name has always (for inexplicable reasons) caused a positive reaction to any suggestions made prior to his mention.  Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston on January 17, 1706.  I first met Ben when Ted and I used our time traveling phone booth for a school project.  I am however, quite amazed at the number of other people today who seem to know Ben and respect him enough to have the mere mention of his name sway their judgment.  By the way, Ben Franklin thinks you should give me an award for this paper.
   I then attempt to butter James Warner up with feigned admiration for Houston.  I'm sure he loves his hometown no matter how crappy it looks on paper (Too many fat chicks).  Perhaps Houston isn't his home town and I just exposed my brown-nosing tactics to James.  In case of this, I make reference to Houston's harsh winters to convey that I have no idea what I'm talking about, so he won't take my opinion too seriously.  I then burst into a wave of alliteration in, "I get good job to gain great glory in the area of Patient Monitoring Sales Representatives."  The repeating g is not only one of the most noticeable forms of alliteration, it also does it with style.  I then personify the letter with my acceptance as an employee.  By having it thank James in advance for writing it, I give him a sense of ownership and creation over that letter, making him realize that not creating that letter would result in the loss of a perpetual child of his creative writing.  Assuming James is pro-life he will not abort this potential letter, but will see it through to the end.  If he is pro-choice however then James may murder the poor innocent letter of congratulations before it is even born.  To show the beauty of making this new life within the congratulations letter, I equated the letter to the rising sun in the morning.  This symbolism helps to capture the beauty of writing and procreation to affirm that both are represented in writing me back to say that I have gotten the job.
   I believe that proving the value of one's education without being able to physically express that value, is sometimes hard.  That's why I gave up on it about half way through and began comparing the future if I were to be hired to one where I am not hired.  Through the amazing power of card stacking (Where I present the opposite point, but very poorly), I have shown just how mundane and bleak a future without me is, helping once again to get my foot in the door, and sway James to my side.
   Sex appeal was totally necessary because without it you'll never reach the perverts.  I mean what else are they really going to pay attention to?  While this ascii image is quite lewd and offensive, going to these extremes was necessary to drive home the point that hiring me is indeed a very sexy thing to do.  Giving James a view of how his romance will end in tragedy will appeal to his baser romantic side, unless of course James is a self-absorbed jerk without a spec of romance in him, in which case his wife's advice was correct and I'd have better luck mentioning Ben Franklin again.
   The summarization of my undying dedication to that place I'm applying to is a vital conclusion to this letter.  Ending with the always appropriate, "With Care and Concern for your sick child" shows that I am painfully aware of (and deeply amused by) the recent tragedy that may have befell the offspring of an individual within the company somewhat recently.
   With practice and training, the human mind is a piece of clay, on which the impressions of your thoughts and aspirations can be imprinted.  You have only to employ those techniques which I have exercised so freely here, and they shall be as puppets on your strings.  Also, help keep the pet population down, have your pet spaded or neutered.

She gave me a D by the way D:
I'm just the victim of my cognitive privilege