Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 24223 times)

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Offline Eternally Learning

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2011, 08:07:20 PM »
A businessman sends an email to his wife.

'My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this email, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.'

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

'My Dear Husband,

I received your e-mail and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are ALSO 54 years old.

At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.'

Offline Citizen Skeptic

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2011, 12:13:26 AM »

A baby boy was born without any arms or legs, or any torso at all.....just a cranium.  As he grows older, he continually asks his mother "mommy, will i ever get a body?"  and every time he asked, his mother would reply:  "well, pray hard dear and someday you might".....

So the boy says that prayer every single night before he goes to bed ~ and one morning, he wakes up and his prayers have been answered!  He has a full body, with perfectly functioning arms and legs.  Needless to say, he's over the moon with joy and excitement, so he runs downstairs and says "mommy, look!  I prayed hard and now i have a body!"  the mother replies: "that's wonderful dear!  now, why don't you go outside and play?"  so he runs outside...........and gets hit by a truck.

What's the moral of the story?


Quit while you're a head!

There's a he was baptized Bob joke in there too. ;)
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Offline D'oh!

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #17 on: September 10, 2011, 04:15:53 AM »
I'm still awake so this counts as a Friday joke:

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your dumb blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
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Offline AxeGrrl

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2011, 04:46:34 AM »
I'm still awake so this counts as a Friday joke:

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your dumb blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"


*teehee*

"Wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

Offline Atheist Panda

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #19 on: September 10, 2011, 10:39:36 AM »
I was disappointed to find out that the book '1001 Things you never knew about binary', only had 9 pages.
AP  :)
I'm suffering from CDO... It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, just as they should be...

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2011, 01:26:54 PM »
A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says " You're early."    :downsrim:

(just made that one up)
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
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Offline Halloran

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2011, 01:40:04 PM »
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2011, 04:39:03 PM »
A blonde goes horse back riding.

The horse starts out slow, but then it starts to go faster.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still bouncing along upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes along and unplugs the horse.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline ConspicuousCarl

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #23 on: September 30, 2011, 09:22:49 PM »
Two creationists are walking through the woods during a hunting trip.  One of them notices a set of tracks on the ground, and says, "Look, Jebediah, buffalo tracks!"  "No," says Joseph, "those must be deer tracks."  "No, they are buffalo tracks!"  "No, deer tracks!"  They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Offline Jim S

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #24 on: September 30, 2011, 11:26:19 PM »
Lol'ed
A bit of dumb, On a flea, On the wing, On the fly, On the frog, On the bump, On the log, In the hole, In the middle of the sea of awesome.

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2011, 04:29:24 PM »
Early entry for this Friday  ;D

Old married couple watching TV. Man keeps flipping between a fishing show and porn.
Wife finally says: "Leave it on the porno! You already know how to fish!"
 :downsrim:
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline Skulker

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #26 on: October 14, 2011, 01:06:13 PM »
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman

Offline wastrel

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #27 on: October 14, 2011, 01:17:45 PM »
Two atoms are walking down the street.

One stops and says, "Shit, I think I just lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

Offline Andrew Clunn

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #28 on: October 14, 2011, 01:18:54 PM »
 :downsrim:
I'm just the victim of my cognitive privilege

Offline wastrel

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #29 on: October 14, 2011, 01:27:41 PM »
I thought I read this joke in this thread, but I guess not.  I'll post here for posterity

Two men walk into a bar.

The first asks the bartender for an H2O.

The second says "I'll have an H2O too"

The second guy dies.

 

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