Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 45567 times)

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Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #330 on: March 30, 2018, 11:19:06 PM »
A duck waddled into a bar.

The bartender asked, "Waddle you have?" He snickered to himself, enjoying his own cleverness while wiping down the bar.

Quack. "Do you have toast?" Quack.

"Toast?" The bartender was incredulous, and she let it show. "This is a bar! Harry Black drinks here! You think we have toast?!"

Quack. "Do you have toast?" Quack.

"Hellnuggets," she muttered, throwing down the rag. "No, birdbrain. We don't have any fuckin' toast," she said while she grabbed a tumbler and a bottle of whisky and poured herself a drink. The duck waited, though his feathers did ruffle when she held the amber liquid up to the light for a long moment. The bartender took a long sip of her ample dram, then set the glass down. "For the last time," she growled, "What. Do. You. What?"

Quack. "Do you have toast?" Quack.

She slammed the rest of the whiskey, slammed the glass on the bar, and slammed her elbows beside it as she surged right up in the duck's bill. "No, you littl shit, and if you ask for toast again I'll nail your fucking bill to the bar!"

There was a long pause. The bartender turned away to resort the booze shelves as an excuse to calm down. The duck preened his feathers for a moment, regaining his composure. Finally, the bartender turned back to the duck. Before she could ask, the duck said, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender's mouth was open already - she was about to ask what the duck wanted - but this question dropped her jaw completely. Her eyebrows rose in an attempt to counterbalance the sudden shift in the centre of gravity of her face.

"The fuck?" was all she managed.

"Nails," the duck said. "Do you have any?"

"No you downy fuck, I don't have any godforsak---"

"Do you have any toast?"

Quack.
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Offline daniel1948

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #331 on: March 31, 2018, 10:30:42 AM »
In the version I heard (from a hiking guide a decade ago) the story takes place over a period of four or five days, with the duck asking "Ya got any grapes?" The bartender not only has no grapes, but says "... and what's more, I don't serve ducks in my bar!" and the bartender eventually threatening to "... nail your goddamned webbed feet to the floor."

I laughed my head off and was giggling for the rest of the day.
Daniel
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Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #332 on: April 03, 2018, 03:32:55 PM »
Interestingly, the bartender changed sex partway through this interaction with the duck. Also, she was drinking on the job, which is a no-no.
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Offline daniel1948

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #333 on: April 03, 2018, 04:02:42 PM »
In my version the bartender does not drink or change sex, though if the bartender wants to change sex I totally support their right to do so.
Daniel
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“You say you love your children above all else, and yet you are stealing their future in front of their very eyes.”
-- Greta Thunberg

Online Harry Black

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #334 on: April 03, 2018, 04:31:20 PM »
I did wonder why there were feathers and blood all over my local...

Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #335 on: April 03, 2018, 06:09:32 PM »
Interestingly, the bartender changed sex partway through this interaction with the duck. Also, she was drinking on the job, which is a no-no.

That is all explained because the bartender is a clownfish.
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Offline starnado

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #336 on: April 06, 2018, 08:24:58 AM »


This is the version of the duck joke my kids showed me.
'The little, stupid differences are nothing next to the big, stupid similarities'
Bart Simpson

Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #337 on: April 14, 2018, 06:17:48 PM »
The recently widowed Mrs. Shelley was sitting at her husband's funeral, dabbing tears after their daughter's thoughtful eulogy. A man leaned in and quietly asked, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," she said.

He nodded gravely and made his way to the front. Standing at the podium for a moment to collect himself, he checked his notes, then tucked them into his suit jacket. "Plethora," he said. He nodded to the mourners, then stepped away to sit back down.

"Thank you," the widow said. "That means a lot."

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Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #338 on: April 14, 2018, 08:03:31 PM »
Thinking some more about the duck and bartender joke, to fill in the time in between Fridays, I am given to wonder why the bartender in this telling of the tale is so foul-mouthed. Now don't get me wrong, I live in Australia, where we never need an excuse to swear, but it struck me as a touch excessive in this particular recitation. I wonder whether the joke would be just as good without the profanity. And if it is, what purpose the profanity serves.

#justshowerthoughts
My mom told me she tries never to make fun of people for not knowing something.
- Randall Munroe

Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #339 on: April 14, 2018, 09:27:47 PM »
Thinking some more about the duck and bartender joke, to fill in the time in between Fridays, I am given to wonder why the bartender in this telling of the tale is so foul-mouthed. Now don't get me wrong, I live in Australia, where we never need an excuse to swear, but it struck me as a touch excessive in this particular recitation. I wonder whether the joke would be just as good without the profanity. And if it is, what purpose the profanity serves.

#justshowerthoughts

I had been readin some Aussie comments and memes before I rewrote it, so take what you will from it.
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Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #340 on: April 15, 2018, 04:39:48 PM »
Thinking some more about the duck and bartender joke, to fill in the time in between Fridays, I am given to wonder why the bartender in this telling of the tale is so foul-mouthed. Now don't get me wrong, I live in Australia, where we never need an excuse to swear, but it struck me as a touch excessive in this particular recitation. I wonder whether the joke would be just as good without the profanity. And if it is, what purpose the profanity serves.

#justshowerthoughts

I had been readin some Aussie comments and memes before I rewrote it, so take what you will from it.
Fuckin awesome.
My mom told me she tries never to make fun of people for not knowing something.
- Randall Munroe

Online Harry Black

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #341 on: April 15, 2018, 04:53:32 PM »
Honestly thats pretty much how bartenders in Ireland speak.
And it was set in Ireland so....

Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #342 on: April 16, 2018, 05:38:34 AM »
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.
My mom told me she tries never to make fun of people for not knowing something.
- Randall Munroe

Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #343 on: April 16, 2018, 11:41:19 PM »
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
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Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #344 on: April 17, 2018, 04:22:51 PM »
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.
My mom told me she tries never to make fun of people for not knowing something.
- Randall Munroe

 

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