Author Topic: Joke Friday!  (Read 44818 times)

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Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #345 on: April 17, 2018, 05:29:07 PM »
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.

I have known a lot of bartenders and never known them to be overly constrained by rules.
evidence trumps experience | performance over perfection | responsibility – authority = scapegoat | emotions motivate; data doesn't

Offline fred.slota

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #346 on: April 20, 2018, 01:06:08 PM »
Flat Earth.


That is all.

Offline fred.slota

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #347 on: April 20, 2018, 01:21:17 PM »
What is Batman's favorite drink order?

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Offline D'oh!

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #348 on: April 21, 2018, 05:06:24 AM »
A guy is running late for a job interview and keeps circling the block, looking for a parking space. He says to God above, "Lord, if you provide me a parking space in the next 30 seconds, I swear that I'll go back to church every Sunday until the day I die!"

Just then, a parking spot presents itself right in front of the building where he's to be interviewed. He looks heavenward and says, "Never mind. I found one."
"The power of Christ compels you!"

Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #349 on: April 21, 2018, 08:12:51 PM »
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.

I have known a lot of bartenders and never known them to be overly constrained by rules.
I did a bar course in my yoof, but never actually worked as one. It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.
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Offline Ron Obvious

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #350 on: April 21, 2018, 08:36:19 PM »
It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.

Because it most likely wouldn't be water, I presume.

Offline arthwollipot

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #351 on: April 21, 2018, 08:48:12 PM »
It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.

Because it most likely wouldn't be water, I presume.
That was the argument, yes. A customer wouldn't be able to tell whether the bartender was drinking water, or, say, vodka. Or any of a variety of clear spirits.

But like I said - I'm not a bartender, but I'm still not allowed to drink alcohol while I'm at work. That's pretty much the norm.
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Offline fred.slota

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #352 on: May 11, 2018, 10:37:54 AM »
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

       Ten.  Ten Tickles.

Offline seamas

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #353 on: May 11, 2018, 11:16:13 AM »
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.

I have known a lot of bartenders and never known them to be overly constrained by rules.
I did a bar course in my yoof, but never actually worked as one. It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.

Definitely cultural--and definitely up to the bar owner.

I've seen many bartenders in many bars take a shot when giving a shot on the house. Probably more common iirc in the dive bars I used to frequent.
There's no such thing as denial.

Offline HighPockets

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #354 on: May 25, 2018, 05:11:23 PM »
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.

"You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

"Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

"Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't.

Offline fred.slota

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #355 on: June 08, 2018, 07:06:30 PM »
I'm going to start a new business venture.  I'm going to repackage the dust at the bottom of my breakfast cereal, 1/8 teaspoon back into new full-sized cereal boxes.  And I'm going to call it.....



Homey-Os!

Homey-Os, part of a ridiculous breakfast, just add milk...
  then add more milk...
    then add more milk...
        then add more milk...
            then add more milk...

Offline Ron Obvious

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #356 on: June 08, 2018, 09:29:12 PM »
A newly-arrived Australian soldier reports for duty to his British commanding officer in the midst of one the most Hellish battles of WW1.

The grizzled, shell-shocked officer looks the fresh-faced young soldier up and down, and asks:

"Hello, son. Have you come to die?"

The soldier replies:

"No sir. I came yesterdie."

(read it out loud)

Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #357 on: June 08, 2018, 09:55:02 PM »
A woman makes an urgent appointment with her gynecologist. She is obviously freaking out, so the doctor brings her in straight away.

"Let's have a look," the Doctor said.

"I don't know what's going on," she said, setting her heels and scooting. "I keep finding stamps to Guatemala in there! How is that even possible?!"

The doctor looks at her, obviously incredulous, but figures investigation is in order, regardless. Shortly, the lady hears a somewhat a muffled, "Feet down."

"What is it," she asked, "What's going on?"

"Those are not stamps. Those are stickers from the bananas."
« Last Edit: June 08, 2018, 09:58:37 PM by brilligtove »
evidence trumps experience | performance over perfection | responsibility – authority = scapegoat | emotions motivate; data doesn't

Offline fred.slota

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #358 on: June 08, 2018, 10:19:36 PM »
A man has just emigrated to the United States after having lived his life as a hermit in the mountains.  He speaks no English, but through his translator had asked his immigration officer what the most amazing part of the Us would be for him, and was told about supermarkets.  "Meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, prepared foods from around the world, available year-round."  The man asked about fried chicken, something he had heard about and dreamed of his whole life, and was told, that he would have no problem finding it.

He walked into his first Supermarket, and was stunned; this was nothing like he expected.  He looked at the produce, so large, so fresh.  An employee, seeing his expression, asks if he can help.  The man indicates he does not understand, but manages to convey he wishes to do this on his own.  He walked the aisles, so full of many different things, he couldn't wait to try it all.  He checks out, surprised at how inexpensive his selection is.  He can't wait to get home.  The picture on the container looks like the most amazing meal he has ever eaten.  And, he has learned his first word of English.

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Offline brilligtove

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Re: Joke Friday!
« Reply #359 on: June 08, 2018, 10:23:18 PM »
A man has just emigrated to the United States after having lived his life as a hermit in the mountains.  He speaks no English, but through his translator had asked his immigration officer what the most amazing part of the Us would be for him, and was told about supermarkets.  "Meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, prepared foods from around the world, available year-round."  The man asked about fried chicken, something he had heard about and dreamed of his whole life, and was told, that he would have no problem finding it.

He walked into his first Supermarket, and was stunned; this was nothing like he expected.  He looked at the produce, so large, so fresh.  An employee, seeing his expression, asks if he can help.  The man indicates he does not understand, but manages to convey he wishes to do this on his own.  He walked the aisles, so full of many different things, he couldn't wait to try it all.  He checks out, surprised at how inexpensive his selection is.  He can't wait to get home.  The picture on the container looks like the most amazing meal he has ever eaten.  And, he has learned his first word of English.

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FTFY (I had to look up the punchline, bein' a fornur).
evidence trumps experience | performance over perfection | responsibility – authority = scapegoat | emotions motivate; data doesn't

 

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