Author Topic: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.  (Read 1459 times)

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Offline 0grea0

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Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« on: January 10, 2016, 08:27:47 PM »
Hey all!

So the title says it all.  The lady in my life is stressed about exams and i thought snail mailing her a poem would make her smile/perk her up.  This isnt the first time she has seen my poetry, and she has liked it when i gave her poetry about her/us in the past.  So here it is :

Smitten (a Villanelle)

Little things remind me of you.
I find my face cracking a smile.
Romance, for me, blazes anew.

Clouds, and grass and birdsong too,
and ill be grinning all the while.
Little things remind me of you.

When tired, smiling gets me through
the blows and all the breathless miles.
Romance, for me, blazes anew.

At times, I feel profoundly blue,
or anxious, choked with worry's bile.
But then, little things remind me of you.

We like to question what is true.
You make me check my thinking style.
Romance, for me, blazes anew.

There really is no one else who
can make me dream of marriage isles.
Little things remind me of you;
romance, for me, blazes anew.

Offline Andrew Clunn

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2016, 10:43:34 PM »
Somehow this is the post that just feels too personal to me.  I don't know why, but I can't finish it without feeling like some guilty voyeur.

EDIT -

This is in no way a reflection of your poem's quality.  As I said, I can't finish it.
I'm just the victim of my cognitive privilege

Offline Henning

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2016, 12:18:49 AM »
If anything, not personal enough. I want to hear about some of the small things that remind you of her. Clouds grass birdsong blows and breathless miles read as generic (yknow, like long walks on the beach, rainbows...), especially if you only mention them in a word without elaborating.

"choked with worry's bile". Gross. This is a love poem, bro!  :)

Did you mean to propose to her with "make me think of marriage"? You might find yourself misunderstood...!
Also, you might mean "marriage aisle".
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. --Voltaire
That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence. -- Hitchens.

Offline SkeptiQueer

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2016, 04:20:32 AM »
My advice to poets is to write the words and the ideas first. Some poems will rhyme, some won't, but never sacrifice the idea for the sake of structure. Build the house before you decorate, as it were.

I wrote a piece of prose for a composition class that just described my SO cooking dinner while I studied, both of us dressed in frumpy comfort clothes. I described it how I saw it and turned what was undoubtedly not a particularly romantic or sexy scene for to anyone else into a tear-jerking scene. I would urge you to do the same, find the scene as it were, and then paint that, rather than starting from blank canvas.
HIISSSSSSSS

Offline AQB24712

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2016, 09:48:43 AM »
If anything, not personal enough. I want to hear about some of the small things that remind you of her. Clouds grass birdsong blows and breathless miles read as generic (yknow, like long walks on the beach, rainbows...), especially if you only mention them in a word without elaborating.

"choked with worry's bile". Gross. This is a love poem, bro!  :)

Did you mean to propose to her with "make me think of marriage"? You might find yourself misunderstood...!
Also, you might mean "marriage aisle".

Totes +1 with bacon.  Also, speaking as a lady, if I were somebody's lady, I would be muy delighted and touched to receive a heartfelt and personal bit of art from the somebody.
"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."  Kurt Vonnegut
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Offline Henning

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2016, 11:34:55 AM »
If anything, not personal enough. I want to hear about some of the small things that remind you of her. Clouds grass birdsong blows and breathless miles read as generic (yknow, like long walks on the beach, rainbows...), especially if you only mention them in a word without elaborating.

"choked with worry's bile". Gross. This is a love poem, bro!  :)

Did you mean to propose to her with "make me think of marriage"? You might find yourself misunderstood...!
Also, you might mean "marriage aisle".

Totes +1 with bacon.  Also, speaking as a lady, if I were somebody's lady, I would be muy delighted and touched to receive a heartfelt and personal bit of art from the somebody.

Oh she'll definitely love it, no matter if you take the critique or not.
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. --Voltaire
That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence. -- Hitchens.

Offline petrolpetal

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2016, 02:06:27 PM »
If anything, not personal enough. I want to hear about some of the small things that remind you of her. Clouds grass birdsong blows and breathless miles read as generic (yknow, like long walks on the beach, rainbows...), especially if you only mention them in a word without elaborating.

"choked with worry's bile". Gross. This is a love poem, bro!  :)

Did you mean to propose to her with "make me think of marriage"? You might find yourself misunderstood...!
Also, you might mean "marriage aisle".

Totes +1 with bacon.  Also, speaking as a lady, if I were somebody's lady, I would be muy delighted and touched to receive a heartfelt and personal bit of art from the somebody.

Oh she'll definitely love it, no matter if you take the critique or not.

Great stuff! I agree with Henning. The more personal the better. Include a little reference to a little something only she and you will understand. ...  ideally with some subtle but slightly saucy overtones ...

Offline CarbShark

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Re: Poem for my lady, advice/critique sought.
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2016, 03:31:55 PM »
"cracking a smile"

A bit of a cliché

If anything, not personal enough. I want to hear about some of the small things that remind you of her. Clouds grass birdsong blows and breathless miles read as generic


The more personal the better. Include a little reference to a little something only she and you will understand. ...  ideally with some subtle but slightly saucy overtones ...


Yes and yes. More concrete, specific and visceral. Less abstract, general and conceptual.

and Donald Trump is President of the United States.

I'm not a doctor, I'm just someone who has done a ton of research into diet and nutrition.

 

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