Author Topic: How far would you be willing to go to accommodate a religious partner?  (Read 10339 times)

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Offline Quetzalcoatl

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I read somewhere that the potentially greatest threat to your ideals is falling in love.

I'd assume that the overwhelming majority here consider themselves to skeptics, and also atheists.

Let's say that your partner, whom you seek to marry and perhaps eventually have children with, does not share your worldview. Let's say that she or he is religious. How far would you be prepared to compromise in order to get along, if any of these was a requirement? Would you be ok with:

- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?
- Having infant children baptised, or equivalent?
- Having infant children circumcised?
- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?
- Converting to her or his religion?

These are not mere hypotheticals. For example, Nick Clegg, former party leader of the Liberal Democrats in the UK, while an atheist (though probably not a skeptic), his wife is Catholic, and they are raising their children to be Catholics.

How far would you be willing to go to accommodate?

Online amysrevenge

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- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?
- Having infant children baptised, or equivalent?
- Having infant children circumcised?
- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?
- Converting to her or his religion?

In order, I have agreed to the following:

Y
N/A (many of the rules coincide with how I live my life already but that's not what you mean)
Y
N/A (girl)
Y (but openly - Mommy thinks X is true, Daddy thinks X is just a made-up story people like to tell)
N
Big Mike
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Offline Billzbub

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- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
  Yep.

- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?
  I don't really know.  If they weren't intrusive I probably wouldn't mind.

- Having infant children baptised, or equivalent?
  I would really rather not do this, but I would probably let it slide if it came to that.

- Having infant children circumcised?
  Thank god I haven't had to make this decision.  I don't know what I would do.  I don't want to think about it.

- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?
  I could probably handle raising the children with religious beliefs AND skeptical beliefs, but there's no way I could be talked into leaving out the skepticism/critical thinking.

- Converting to her or his religion?
  I don't think I could do this.
Quote from: Steven Novella
gleefully altering one’s beliefs to accommodate new information should be a badge of honor

Online Ah.hell

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- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
yes
Quote
- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?
yes, depending on the rules
Quote
- Having infant children baptised, or equivalent?
yes
Quote
- Having infant children circumcised?
no
Quote
- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?
Only for more moderate and realistic denominations and I'd be honest about my feelings
Quote
- Converting to her or his religion?
no

Fortunately, I married and atheist.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2018, 05:03:27 PM by Ah.hell »

Online Noisy Rhysling

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How rich is she?  ;) ;)
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Online 2397

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N/A (girl)

Easy enough to void the question when it's illegal to do it.

Maybe there should be an additional level to the questions, on whether you'd be willing to break the law to accommodate a partner's beliefs.

- Having infant children baptised, or equivalent?
- Having infant children circumcised?
- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?


In my case it helps not having or planning to have children. But I had to stop going to the baptisms of my nephews and nieces because I was paying too much attention to what the priests were saying, and could barely stop myself from speaking up in church.

I don't have an issue with teaching a child about your chosen religion. I have major issues with flat out treating them as subjects of a god before they have a chance to begin to understand what that means, and in no way making it out like it's something they'll have a say in.

Quote
- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?

We got married in court, in another state than where my in-laws live. Mainly due to the complications of marrying across continents. Had a religious blessing after on the same day. Then a family gathering in my country the following spring.

I went to their church a few times before the marriage and us moving to Norway. It's was nice to experience how they did it, but ultimately it was pretty much the same setup as in my old church. The priest says some nice and sensible things, and then ruins it by cramming Jesus into it unnecessarily. The introductory phase is enough for me.

Quote
- Converting to her or his religion?

What does it really mean to convert to a religion you don't believe in? Should I lie to my spouse, or should I expect that my spouse prefers that I lie to the rest of the family/congregation/hypothetical incorporeal entities?

I keep low key on religion with religious family members. So maybe in some sense I am lying, but I find it easier to avoid the subject than to have to get into debates over it. I'm not a member of the Norwegian church anymore, haven't told that to my family, but it's also not their business. Nor was it anyone's business to sign me up for membership in the first place. Which almost everyone was automatically in the now former state church.

Offline HighPockets

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Yeah, pretty much what AR said.
My wife is christian, and understood my world view, agnostic. She told me that she wanted to die first so she could put a good word in for me with God. We got married in a "event center" that was converted from a church, with a pretty middle of the road religious ceremony, by a "non practicing" (what do you call it, if you are ordained but don't actually preach anywhere?) minister of the Methodist faith.

The kids were baptized in the Methodist church, when they were young, not babies, but 5 or six, old enough to know what was going on. I attended that service, and a number of other services when the kids were doing some kind of presentation, but not every week. They attended service almost every Sunday growing up, wearing shorts, jeans, t-shirts. When I attended I'd put on a tie, a sport coat, and tell them that "when you visit gods house, you should look presentable."

My daughter was maybe 7 or 8 when she came home and asked me outright, "Do you believe in God?" and I answered her honestly, "No, I don't." and then she told me, "You know you're going to Hell, right?" and I said, "We'll see about that... in time."

When she turned 18 she "converted" (maybe joined) the Catholic church, with all the ceremony of baptisms and blah, kneel, blah, stand, blah, sing that goes along with it. But her journey there was an interesting one, spending summers learning Hebrew and Arabic, fasting during Ramadan, celebrating with prayers during the day of the dead. She picked Catholicism because of the pageantry, the rote process. She has "faith" but she also has what I like to think of as "understanding". That's my most important take-away.

My son on the other hand, bailed as soon as he was able to get out from under his mothers wing. He's never come right out and said, "I'm an atheist." but he has no where in his heart for an organized religion. So I guess 50/50 isn't all that bad an outcome.

Now days, my wife doesn't attend church on Sundays anymore, she found the last pastor annoying, and has found better things to do with her Sunday mornings, I guess.

So to answer the question, I"m willing to put up with a couple days a year, getting dressed up and listening to kids sing hokey songs, and My wife, if you want to call it accommodation, is willing to sleep in late and talk to her husband.
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Online amysrevenge

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- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?
- Having infant children baptised, or equivalent?
- Having infant children circumcised?
- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?
- Converting to her or his religion?

In order, I have agreed to the following:

Y
N/A (many of the rules coincide with how I live my life already but that's not what you mean)
Y
N/A (girl)
Y (but openly - Mommy thinks X is true, Daddy thinks X is just a made-up story people like to tell)
N

I can add, regarding baptism.  My wife made a deal with the officiant that I would not be required to explicitly promise anything, or participate in any active way - I was an interested observer, an infant-carrying device.  Not a participant.  The dude was cool about that.
Big Mike
Grande Prairie AB Canada

Offline Captain Video

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- Getting married in a religious ceremony?
never again (she didn't want it either, inlaws can suck)

- Living in accordance of some of the religious rules?
only if they are fun or fit into my own ideology

- Having infant children baptized, or equivalent?
no, they get to make their own decision when they are old enough

- Having infant children circumcised?
FUCK NO! they get to make their own decision when they are old enough

- Raising children in her or his religious beliefs?
NO, they get to make their own decision when they are old enough

- Converting to her or his religion?
No

- keep my mouth shut when she starts going to "law of attraction" seminars (Abraham–Hicks)
Just couldn't do it
« Last Edit: June 26, 2018, 11:49:43 PM by Captain Video »
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Offline arthwollipot

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I don't believe in marriage and I don't anticipate ever doing it.
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Offline John Albert

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I wouldn't last long in a relationship with somebody who's religious. Likewise, I couldn't see myself being with somebody who's bigoted, or committed to some toxic politics, crazy pseudoscience, New Age spirituality or conspiracist beliefs. The ideological differences would be too much.

Online Rai

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Depends on the partner and the religion, up to 500 miles and 500 more. 

Online Ah.hell

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Side note, I just realized I've only ever dated 2 religious people, a morman and a witch.  I think the mormon probably dumped me on account of it being clear I wouldn't convert, that and she had found another sailor by a week after I left town.  Probably earlier, he converted. 

Offline Billzbub

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What about having a religious funeral when you die?  When your spouse dies?

My wife wants me to have a religious ceremony for her if she dies first.  I hope I die first so I don't have to do that.  She can have a religious ceremony for me all she wants.  I don't care about that at all.
Quote from: Steven Novella
gleefully altering one’s beliefs to accommodate new information should be a badge of honor

Offline Harry Black

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Easy to say in hypothetical but-
I would not accommodate at all beyond- Mommy believes this and Daddy believes that.

No religious ceremonies. No indoctrination.

 

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