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General Discussions => General Discussion => Topic started by: Halloran on June 03, 2011, 02:25:56 PM

Title: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halloran on June 03, 2011, 02:25:56 PM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Happy Friday!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Citizen Skeptic on June 03, 2011, 03:15:31 PM
LOL. I have a terrible memory for jokes but I'm a good laugher. :)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: JoelWhy on June 03, 2011, 03:21:01 PM
lol!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halloran on June 17, 2011, 05:29:25 PM
American guy, English guy, and Irish guy go into a pub -- each order a pint. Fly drops in the American's beer; he grunts and drinks it down, fly and all. Fly drops in the Englishman's beer; he says "my word" and demands anew beer. Fly drops in the Irishman's beer; he grabs the fly and shouts "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Happy Friday!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Citizen Skeptic on June 17, 2011, 06:30:17 PM
What did the mama Spanish mackerel say to it's babies when they were born?


Nada.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Drunken Idaho on June 17, 2011, 07:57:36 PM
What do call a fish with no eyes?


Fsh.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halloran on September 09, 2011, 02:13:07 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/zmh9b.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on September 09, 2011, 02:19:15 PM
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this?  Some kind of a joke?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 09, 2011, 03:20:43 PM
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy was not as drunk so he was able to stop in time.  :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on September 09, 2011, 03:24:48 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer.  And a mop."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 09, 2011, 03:25:30 PM
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round !
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on September 09, 2011, 03:32:06 PM
President Rick Perry

You better damn hope it stays a joke
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on September 09, 2011, 03:49:04 PM
So a man is driving down a wooded road late at night and just as he crests a hill he hears a loud "THUD!"  As he slams on his brakes he sees a spattering of blood hit his windshield and more oddly, a few dozen brightly colored eggs and a basket fly up in the air in front of his car.  Confused and shocked he sits there for a second to collect himself, then gets out to see what he hit. 

As he comes around to the front of the front of the car, he gasps and takes a step back.  He sees what appears to be a large rabbit (at least 3-4 feet tall) wearing clothes.  He had just killed the Easter Bunny!  As he's trying to get a handle on all this, another car pulls up and stops. 

A blond woman gets out and starts to ask, "Mister, are you alr- OH MY GOD!  Is that... the Easter Bunny?!"  The man, having no words silently and sadly nods.  The woman quickly straightens herself and says, "I think I know how to fix this," walks back to her car and comes back with a bottle of something the man can't quite make out. 

She stoops over the dead holiday hero and squeezes out some thick liquid on his head and starts to massage it into his scalp.  Immediately the bunny opens his eyes, hops to his feet, smiles and waves at them, collects the basket and eggs that are still intact, waves again, then starts hopping down the road without a word but still waving with every hop until he disappeared over the next hill.

Completely flabergasted, the man turns, wide-eyed to the woman and grabs the bottle from her.  He is startled to see that it's just shampoo!  "But... how di-" the man starts to ask.  "Read the label,"  the woman matter-of-factly says.   As the man looks for something, anything on a shampoo label that could explain what he just saw, he suddenly stops.  He found it. 

"Restoring Shampoo," it said, "Brings dead hairs back to life.  Adds permanant wave."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AxeGrrl on September 09, 2011, 04:02:33 PM

A baby boy was born without any arms or legs, or any torso at all.....just a cranium.  As he grows older, he continually asks his mother "mommy, will i ever get a body?"  and every time he asked, his mother would reply:  "well, pray hard dear and someday you might".....

So the boy says that prayer every single night before he goes to bed ~ and one morning, he wakes up and his prayers have been answered!  He has a full body, with perfectly functioning arms and legs.  Needless to say, he's over the moon with joy and excitement, so he runs downstairs and says "mommy, look!  I prayed hard and now i have a body!"  the mother replies: "that's wonderful dear!  now, why don't you go outside and play?"  so he runs outside...........and gets hit by a truck.

What's the moral of the story?


Quit while you're a head!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on September 09, 2011, 04:07:37 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!"

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on September 09, 2011, 08:07:20 PM
A businessman sends an email to his wife.

'My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this email, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.'

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

'My Dear Husband,

I received your e-mail and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are ALSO 54 years old.

At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.'
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Citizen Skeptic on September 10, 2011, 12:13:26 AM

A baby boy was born without any arms or legs, or any torso at all.....just a cranium.  As he grows older, he continually asks his mother "mommy, will i ever get a body?"  and every time he asked, his mother would reply:  "well, pray hard dear and someday you might".....

So the boy says that prayer every single night before he goes to bed ~ and one morning, he wakes up and his prayers have been answered!  He has a full body, with perfectly functioning arms and legs.  Needless to say, he's over the moon with joy and excitement, so he runs downstairs and says "mommy, look!  I prayed hard and now i have a body!"  the mother replies: "that's wonderful dear!  now, why don't you go outside and play?"  so he runs outside...........and gets hit by a truck.

What's the moral of the story?


Quit while you're a head!

There's a he was baptized Bob joke in there too. ;)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on September 10, 2011, 04:15:53 AM
I'm still awake so this counts as a Friday joke:

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your dumb blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AxeGrrl on September 10, 2011, 04:46:34 AM
I'm still awake so this counts as a Friday joke:

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your dumb blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"


*teehee*

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Atheist Panda on September 10, 2011, 10:39:36 AM
I was disappointed to find out that the book '1001 Things you never knew about binary', only had 9 pages.
AP  :)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 23, 2011, 01:26:54 PM
A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says " You're early."    :downsrim:

(just made that one up)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halloran on September 23, 2011, 01:40:04 PM
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 30, 2011, 04:39:03 PM
A blonde goes horse back riding.

The horse starts out slow, but then it starts to go faster.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still bouncing along upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes along and unplugs the horse.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: ConspicuousCarl on September 30, 2011, 09:22:49 PM
Two creationists are walking through the woods during a hunting trip.  One of them notices a set of tracks on the ground, and says, "Look, Jebediah, buffalo tracks!"  "No," says Joseph, "those must be deer tracks."  "No, they are buffalo tracks!"  "No, deer tracks!"  They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Jim S on September 30, 2011, 11:26:19 PM
Lol'ed
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on October 03, 2011, 04:29:24 PM
Early entry for this Friday  ;D

Old married couple watching TV. Man keeps flipping between a fishing show and porn.
Wife finally says: "Leave it on the porno! You already know how to fish!"
 :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on October 14, 2011, 01:06:13 PM
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on October 14, 2011, 01:17:45 PM
Two atoms are walking down the street.

One stops and says, "Shit, I think I just lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Andrew Clunn on October 14, 2011, 01:18:54 PM
 :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on October 14, 2011, 01:27:41 PM
I thought I read this joke in this thread, but I guess not.  I'll post here for posterity

Two men walk into a bar.

The first asks the bartender for an H2O.

The second says "I'll have an H2O too"

The second guy dies.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on October 14, 2011, 01:33:59 PM
Two in a row.  :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on October 21, 2011, 07:38:06 PM
There are two types of people in the universe, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data and....



There are 10 types of people in the world.  Those that understand binary, and those that don't.



Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here!"
Argon doesn't react.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: seaotter on October 21, 2011, 07:59:51 PM
A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says " You're early."    :downsrim:

(just made that one up)

The one I heard was :

Bartender says we don't serve faster than light particles here.

Neutrino walks into a bar.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halloran on November 04, 2011, 12:22:55 PM
Two nuns are driving through a forest late at night when all of a sudden a vampire lands in front of them.

One of the nuns yells at the other "Quick Sister, show him your cross!"

So the other nun, in a panic, winds down the window and screams "FUCK OFF!!!".
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on November 04, 2011, 12:41:16 PM
A Penguin:  "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
Another Penguin:  "How do you know I'm not?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on November 04, 2011, 12:54:16 PM
 Are Blind Pilots Flying? 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.


The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.


At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.


The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.


Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.


When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.


Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"



 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on November 04, 2011, 01:38:09 PM
Alright; get ready for some groan-inducing puntastic jokes:

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Cows into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby loudly discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close downbut they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

And finally, There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on November 04, 2011, 02:09:09 PM
ARRGH ! So it be puns ye be after.   :pirate:


The great Russian czar Rudolph stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting.

He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!"

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be snow you are seeing."

The Czar shook his head looked back out the window and said, "Nyet. It is raining."

"No dear.", she said. "It really must be snow."

He looks back and her and says. "I am the Czar of all Russia, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: seaotter on November 04, 2011, 05:21:55 PM
Seal quits his job as a day trader to go back to school to become a marine biologist. His girlfriend asks why he gave up such a great salary. I did it for the halibut.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on November 04, 2011, 05:28:06 PM
A new nurse listened while one of the doctors was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halloran on November 18, 2011, 12:02:13 PM
An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? " She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on November 18, 2011, 12:31:45 PM
First Thing to do after Jail 


Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on November 18, 2011, 01:38:58 PM
After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating thelimo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"


Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Woolf on November 18, 2011, 05:45:31 PM
I hope there are no rules against ribald friday jokes.

In the airplane, the chief pilot once forgot to switch off microphone of the deck broadcast system. So the passengers heard him as he said: "All right co-pilot, keep us on that altitude. Now I'll have a coffee and then I'm gonna fuck that new flight attendant."
The young flight attendant heard that too and ran towards the pilot cabin to tell them the microphone is on.
One of passengers leaned into the aisle and yelled, "No need to hurry, he said coffee first!"


An immigrant worker from Ukraine came to a doctor. With his broken English he started to explain, that he's hopelessly constipated. The doctor told him to bend forward. Then he stepped behind the worker and kicked him hard in the arse. The worker from Ukraine suddenly jumped and ran to the toilet. When he returned, he said, "Thanks doc. What should I do so it won't get back?"
"Stop wiping yourself with cement bags!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: j_j on November 18, 2011, 07:22:50 PM
Out here in Seattle, I90 goes across Lake Washington on a floating bridge with lots of lanes. At the Seattle end of the bridge, there are 3 tunnels. One goes westbound, one goes eastbound, and the third one swaps directions depending on the hour and the direction of the high occupancy vehicle lanes.

Now, Gloria, a woman who had to quit taking the bus, because she came down with sic transit Gloria mundi, rides in a van pool that crosses I90 every morning and night.

One morning, she became ill as she entered Seattle. Bingo, it happened the next time, too. So she finally had to give up and get a new job that didn't require so much commuting.

The problem, of course, was simple:
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
She had car pool tunnel syndrome!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Jim S on November 18, 2011, 07:40:15 PM
(click to show/hide)

Groan...


(http://i.imgur.com/LKWVW.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: j_j on November 18, 2011, 08:38:05 PM
(click to show/hide)

Groan...


(http://i.imgur.com/LKWVW.jpg)

awww.....
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Jim S on November 18, 2011, 10:21:28 PM
Heh.  Been through those tunnels several times.   I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to use that pic, and the joke was truly groan-worthy. 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: j_j on November 19, 2011, 03:49:38 PM
Heh.  Been through those tunnels several times.   I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to use that pic, and the joke was truly groan-worthy.

Well, it WAS a pun :)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: alexbutterfield on November 20, 2011, 02:11:52 PM
My parents are mixed race. My dad does the 400m relay.

And my mum is from Pakistan.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on November 21, 2011, 09:12:28 AM
My parents are mixed race. My dad does the 400m relay.

And my mum is from Pakistan.
:downsrim:
FTFY
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: MikeHz on November 21, 2011, 11:00:09 AM
“The pun is the last refuge of the scoundrel.” Samuel Johnson.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 09, 2011, 05:40:59 PM
We've been slipping here:


Union Shop 


A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 09, 2011, 05:47:50 PM
A little old but still amusing....

Improvements in Hell 

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on December 09, 2011, 05:48:45 PM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!'
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on December 09, 2011, 05:52:25 PM
I think I posted this before elsewhere, but it's still a good one:

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop
4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years
12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it
1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb
1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads
12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell
1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs
1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum
5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.
32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore
8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.
6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs
15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs
6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong
1 to ask that forum staff backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs
11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 09, 2011, 05:58:56 PM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all chatting.

Sleeping Beauty said: "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said: "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said: "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It is official: I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked,

"Who the hell is Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all chatting.

Sleeping Beauty said: "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said: "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said: "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It is official: I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked,

"Who the hell is Sylvia Browne?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 09, 2011, 06:02:24 PM
I think I posted this before elsewhere, but it's still a good one:

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop
4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years
12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it
1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb
1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads
12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell
1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs
1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum
5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.
32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore
8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.
6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs
15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs
6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong
1 to ask that forum staff backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs
11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Jim S on December 09, 2011, 10:44:53 PM
...'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!'
lol

<skeptics changing a lighbulb>, yep, I lol'ed at that one thee first time you posted it.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Bunsen on December 10, 2011, 01:50:41 AM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all chatting.

Sleeping Beauty said: "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said: "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said: "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It is official: I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked,

"Who the hell is Sylvia Browne?"

Screwed the pooch there on your copypaste.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: rreppy on December 11, 2011, 11:04:13 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks that the bartender pour him 5 shots of whiskey, straight up.  "Well!" exclaims the bartender. "Are you celebrating something today?".  The customer replied, " Yes, in a manner of speaking, I am. Today is the occasion of my first blowjob."
     "Well, congratulations!" cried the barkeep. "Let me pour you another one on the house."
     "No thanks." the other replied. "If five won't kill the taste, a sixth won't make any difference."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 12, 2011, 10:25:17 AM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all chatting.

Sleeping Beauty said: "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said: "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said: "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It is official: I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked,

"Who the hell is Sylvia Browne?"

Screwed the pooch there on your copypaste.
Who's pooch are you talking about or what part didn't you get ?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on December 12, 2011, 10:31:34 AM
Who's pooch are you talking about or what part didn't you get ?
Look back at your original post; Bunsen fixed it in his quote.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 12, 2011, 10:42:43 AM
Screwed the pooch there on your copypaste.
Who's pooch are you talking about or what part didn't you get ?
Look back at your original post; Bunsen fixed it in his quote.
[/quote]OIC. My browser has been sucking ass lately (IE 8 at work) and doing all kinds of bizzare formatting.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Tararua on December 13, 2011, 03:02:49 PM
An Englishman, an American, a Canadian, a China-man, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Dane, a Swede, a Mexican, a Peruvian, a Colombian, a Kenyan, a Russian, a Ukrainian, a Polish-man, an Indian, a Saudi Arabian, a Spaniard, an Australian, a New Zealander, an Iranian, an Argentinian, a Norwegian, a Greenlander and a Malaysian walk into a bar.

"I am sorry" said the barman, "but you can not come in here without a Thai"

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: alexbutterfield on December 14, 2011, 03:33:28 AM
If there was a nation whose citizens were described as Shirts, that joke would be awesome.

Also you should list every single nationality in the world except for Thai. Doing that in real life would be a feat
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 06, 2012, 01:42:56 PM
Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her.
The woman told him that before they could get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer.
So the next day the man went to the farmer and said, "Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage."
The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said, "I will let you marry her, but first you must complete a test."
Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man agreed. The farmer said, "first you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn." The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it.
When he got finished he asked the farmer, "Ok now can I marry your daughter?" The farmer couldn't believe that the man had actually done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again!
So the man jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow, again!
When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked "Now may I marry your daughter?"
By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time, and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said,
"Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter." So the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and screwed the cow.
When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, "Ok now you can marry my daughter." The man said, "To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on January 06, 2012, 01:52:28 PM
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course," he said. "What may I do for you?"

"Well", she replied, "I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Perhaps you could carry it under your robes"

He said, "I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you that I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked him, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

The priest replied, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Next!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 06, 2012, 02:04:24 PM
An old man was in Lowe's one day pushing his cart around when he collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

The old guy said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy  said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 13, 2012, 01:26:45 PM
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on January 13, 2012, 01:37:39 PM
29 things that never happen on Star Trek:

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 13, 2012, 02:31:30 PM
You might be a reneck if...

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Unlimited on January 13, 2012, 03:37:02 PM
Dood is trapped on an island with no hope of escape. The only thing on the islands food, water, a flock of sheep, and a dog. The man lives for a couple months and after a while gets restless. He decides to have at it with one of the sheep. He sizes em up and picks out what seems to be a good specimen, and walks on over. He starts to undo his pants and get into position, just before the dog runs up and clamps down on his leg. The man screams and backs away. Phew, your right, what was I thinking. Ima go get some rest. A couple weeks goes by and the man tries it again, the same thing happens. 2 years go by, the man never gets to calm his urge. Then one dayhe spots something small bobbing up and down on the horizon. His first thought is a ship, but comes to find out is is much to small. The object seems to be drifting by his island, so he swims out to retrieve it. When he gets close enough he can see its a piece of furniture, just floating in the ocean. When he gets his hand on it he looks inside and, as if in a fairy tale there is a beautiful young woman, lying unconscious in the floating wrecked wood. He paddels back to shore and wakes the woman with some water. She stares at him, and gasps, throws her arms around him. Thank you! Thank you! I surely would have died if you hadn't picked me up, it's been nearly a week without water! I... I want to repay you. I will do anything you want. Anything? He says. She looks at him in a deep gaze. Anything... He quickly replies.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 27, 2012, 04:09:35 PM
Blond Men

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."   :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 27, 2012, 04:54:28 PM
Dangers of Technology

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife aq uick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S.
Sure is hot down here.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on February 17, 2012, 11:12:51 AM
INSENSITIVITY

 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.  I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!  You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.  Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.  It's great though. It provides me with everything I need – Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

 

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

 

 

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.  I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

 

My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

 

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

 

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .  I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

(http://yoursmiles.org/msmile/fun/m0137.gif) (http://yoursmiles.org/m-fun.php)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on February 17, 2012, 11:32:25 AM
I laughed at this more than I probably should have  :laugh:

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

And for my submission:

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on February 17, 2012, 11:36:28 AM
I laughed at this more than I probably should have  :laugh:

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

And for my submission:

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
:laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Jim S on February 17, 2012, 09:17:01 PM
I laughed at this more than I probably should have  :laugh:

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

And for my submission:

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
:laugh: :laugh:
+1
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Pak on February 18, 2012, 04:47:38 AM
A priest booking in to an Hotel, asks "Can I have the Porn channel on my TV disabled?". Receptionist replies "You get the same porn as everyone else, you sick bastard"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on February 24, 2012, 04:38:18 PM
USEFUL WORK PHRASES


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of  Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on February 24, 2012, 04:44:51 PM
Sheldon excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and was getting married.  "Mama, just for fun, I'll bring over three women and you guess which one she is."  Mama shrugged and agreed.

The next day, Sheldon brought over three beauties: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who all sat on the sofa and chatted with Mama over a little tea and cake.

When they left, he said, "Okay, Mama.  Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
Without flinching, she replied, "The one in the middle, with the red hair."

"You're right!  But Mama, how did you know?" asked Sheldon, amazed.
"Simple," said Mama.  "Her, I don't like."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on February 24, 2012, 04:45:16 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/kiHcj.png)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on February 24, 2012, 05:00:09 PM
A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Oh, Hi Mr. Romney (http://spreadingromney.com/)!!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 02, 2012, 09:01:54 AM
Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet 

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don’t byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

- There’s no place like http://www.home.com (http://www.home.com)

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on March 02, 2012, 05:11:05 PM
How did the hipster catch so many trout?

He knew about them before they went mainstream.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 02, 2012, 05:17:48 PM
How did the hipster catch so many trout?

He knew about them before they went mainstream.
:downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: David E. on March 02, 2012, 05:20:54 PM
Two Blondes Walk into a bar, one ducks.


 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Boßel on March 03, 2012, 12:14:18 AM
This joke is paraphrased:

A sea captain sees a single Spanish ship approaching and preparing for attack on his ship.

Captain (to his first mate) : "Grab my red shirt."

The captain and his crew defeated the ship with ease.

The next day, 2 Spanish ships approach this time, and once again, the captain demands his first mate to:

Captain: "Grab my red shirt."
First Mate: "If you don't mind my asking; why do you always ask for your red shirt before an attack?"
Captain: "I don't want my men to know that I have been wounded in battle. I don't want them to panic and stop fighting. It helps with moral."

The captain and his crew crushed the opposition.

The next day an entire Spanish Armada approaches:

First Mate: "Would you like me to get your red shirt?"
Captain: "Yes,...  and bring my brown pants as well."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 09, 2012, 10:28:30 AM
Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 09, 2012, 10:40:31 AM
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on March 09, 2012, 11:06:40 AM
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: David E. on March 09, 2012, 11:15:06 AM
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work?

(click to show/hide)

 :laugh: :laugh:

As a sponsor of Eternally Learning we find his humour to be crude; and we find we can no longer do business with him.  As of 3/9/12 we are no longer a Sponsor of Eternally Learning.

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on March 09, 2012, 11:23:41 AM
The following quote was lifted form an interview with some of the "Cinematic Titanic" cast:

Quote
"Talk to the hand."
   Disgusted look.
"Yours."

Best used as a response to being hit on.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: MikeHz on March 09, 2012, 11:26:41 AM
Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

This reminds me of advice from Scott Adams on how to succeed at work: Volunteer for everything. You don't actually have to carry through on any of it. Eventually, people will get impatient and want to know when you’ll get it done. Just get exasperated and say, “Must I do everything by myself around here!” They’ll get tired and do it themselves. Meanwhile, you’ll get the reputation as the one who is first to volunteer for everything.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on March 09, 2012, 11:32:26 AM
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work?

(click to show/hide)

 :laugh: :laugh:

As a sponsor of Eternally Learning we find his humour to be crude; and we find we can no longer do business with him.  As of 3/9/12 we are no longer a Sponsor of Eternally Learning.

You're such a slut David E.  :P
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 09, 2012, 01:17:40 PM
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called The 'Style Invitational'.

 

The requirements one week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

 

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed Verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

 

 

Third place:

 

There once was a girl named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'

On this flute made of beef

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

 

 

Second place:

 

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you made such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

 

 

 

And the winning entry:

 

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski must surely have known,

That an intern is better

Than a bomb in a letter,

When deciding how best to be blown
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on March 09, 2012, 01:41:11 PM
 :roflolmao:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on March 09, 2012, 02:04:46 PM
 :roflolmao:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on March 09, 2012, 02:07:20 PM
:roflolmao:
:downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on March 09, 2012, 02:08:00 PM
That scrolling roffle is freaky, man.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on March 09, 2012, 02:16:14 PM
That scrolling roffle is freaky, man.


Duuuuude.  :350:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Drunken Idaho on March 13, 2012, 03:23:01 PM
(click to show/hide)

Those are amazing!!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 16, 2012, 11:16:04 AM
What Children Do............. 


** For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. ** For those who have children this age, this is not funny. ** For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. ** For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on March 16, 2012, 12:41:53 PM
Courtesy of my three and a half year old son:

Q: What's tuba plus tuba?
A: Fourba.

Q: What's half a tuba?
A: Oneba.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on March 16, 2012, 12:57:06 PM
Not bad!

Why didn't the Frenchman have two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 16, 2012, 04:24:44 PM


A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Jim S on March 16, 2012, 07:31:37 PM
I told a woman that the more attractive a woman is, the lower her self esteem is.   

She thanked me for the compliment.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 23, 2012, 11:22:15 AM

The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.


Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 30, 2012, 09:38:20 AM
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on March 31, 2012, 12:52:54 AM
Lost!

An old widower was about to turn 80 years old.  Being without female companionship for several years, his buddies decide to surprise him with a hooker for his birthday. 

When the big day rolls around, the widower is sitting home alone, reading a newspaper.  His doorbell rings, and when he opens the door, he finds a sexy woman in the doorway, wearing nothing but lingerie.  She says to the widower, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

The widower thinks for a minute and says, “Thank you. I’ll have the soup.”
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Eternally Learning on March 31, 2012, 03:25:13 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on April 06, 2012, 12:33:07 PM
                                        Dumb Instructions 

“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: LFJ on April 07, 2012, 12:42:31 AM
What do you call a homeopath that sells effective medicine?


A Cryptid.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on April 13, 2012, 12:04:16 PM
Nuns on the Highway 

A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”

Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”

The cop says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”

“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”

But then the cop glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”

Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”



 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on April 27, 2012, 12:11:24 PM
Visiting Grandma... 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on April 27, 2012, 12:14:54 PM
Types of Undergarments 


A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.

Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on May 04, 2012, 05:03:22 PM
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on May 04, 2012, 05:10:32 PM
The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"! 


'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'
'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'

'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
'A beer please, Woody.'

'Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No. For a stupid question'
 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: MikeHz on May 04, 2012, 05:40:25 PM
Two elderly ladies take turns driving to bingo every afternoon. One day, the woman in the passenger seat notices the other woman drive through a red light, and says nothing. A couple of blocks later, the same thing happens, as the driver flies through another red light. This time, the nervous passenger speaks up. "Dear, I believe you just went through that red light."

"Oh my--am I driving today?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on May 05, 2012, 04:19:34 AM
Monkey Bar - Penguin Blew A Seal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO9A4p1Qsvk#)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 01, 2012, 01:43:02 PM
The Worst Slogan Translations Ever...

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Shadow Of A Doubt on June 01, 2012, 08:36:48 PM
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

I heard a similar story only it was Vauxhall selling the Vauxhall Nova in Spain.  :raise:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 08, 2012, 09:50:11 AM
                                                    Some Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


   At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down.

 

   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.  Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

 

  Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

 

 Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

 

  In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Marijuana"

 

 Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

 

  Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

 

  Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

 

  Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

 

 Sing Along At The Opera.



  Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

 

   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

 

   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!  I Won!"

 

  When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running toward the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!"

 

  Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

 

 

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 22, 2012, 12:47:03 PM
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 22, 2012, 02:33:27 PM
The answer....

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on July 06, 2012, 10:59:10 AM
You Might Be A Redneck If...when you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Chew on August 03, 2012, 01:50:55 AM
From Mind Your Decisions (http://mindyourdecisions.com/blog/2009/01/26/game-theory-joke-on-being-dumb/), a game theory blog.

Quote
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 03, 2012, 09:01:50 AM
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He attempted to start up a conversation with the line, 'Where does you go to school?'

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
'Yale,' she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, 'WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?!!!'
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on August 03, 2012, 10:22:26 PM
Lost!


A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 03, 2012, 10:50:45 PM
Lost!


A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."
:laugh: :laugh: good one.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 10, 2012, 03:04:04 PM
Grounds for divorce...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."


Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on August 10, 2012, 03:06:55 PM
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

I am skeptical (http://www.snopes.com/business/misxlate/nova.asp)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 10, 2012, 03:08:26 PM
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

I am skeptical (http://www.snopes.com/business/misxlate/nova.asp)
Score one for you but you know this is a joke thread and not Useless Facts.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on August 10, 2012, 03:15:49 PM
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer was extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: jomike on August 10, 2012, 09:08:11 PM
Dalai Lama Joke FAIL Pizza Joke one with everything (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GogjFO8GNEo#)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 17, 2012, 08:08:00 AM
Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 17, 2012, 09:00:50 AM
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
...
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on August 17, 2012, 05:07:35 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/16/8JhA2sMIr0mZd8FIkpqutw2.png)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: jomike on August 17, 2012, 07:12:17 PM
Dr. Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"  Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on August 24, 2012, 06:11:09 AM
http://oldjewstellingjokes.com (http://oldjewstellingjokes.com)

This is my current favorite.

http://blip.tv/play/hsJ1gvSZZAI.html?p=1 (http://blip.tv/play/hsJ1gvSZZAI.html?p=1)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 24, 2012, 08:20:08 AM

Almost all airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best one for last...

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on August 25, 2012, 02:05:45 AM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

"Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 27, 2012, 08:01:53 AM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

"Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
:laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Shadow Of A Doubt on August 27, 2012, 05:36:47 PM
David of David and the Philistines' foreskins fame would approve.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 02, 2015, 10:55:30 AM
A guy meets an older woman at a bar. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
 
They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? he asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As his mind began to embrace the idea, he wondered what her daughter might look like, and he said, 'No, I haven't.'

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night'.

They went back to her place. They walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on January 03, 2015, 06:17:19 AM
Lost!

I think I might have posted this prior to the crash:


A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?"

The other guy says, "Ireland."

The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily.

Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily.

Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?"

"St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy.

"Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another round.

One of the other customers who watched the whole thing go down says to the bartender, "Gosh!  What an amazing series of coincidences!"

The bartender answers, "No, no, no.  The O'Reilly twins are just drunk again."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Gerbig on January 03, 2015, 12:33:08 PM
So a man wanted to really please his wife on her upcoming birthday, so he went to the local sex shop, and said to the clerk "I want the best thing you got in here to please my wife!". The clerk smiled and brought him "the magic dildo"

The clerk explained that if you said "magic dildo" and then anything after it, the dildo would transform into the exact shape of the hole and automatically start thrusting into it. He displayed this by saying "magic dildo, doorknob" and the dildo flew to the door and began fucking it.

The husband bought the dildo, took it home, and gave it to his wife, explaining how it worked. He left for work and to let her get acquainted with her new toy.

She loved it, three, four, five, six, a dozen orgasms later, she realized her husband had not told her how to make it stop.She began to get exhausted, and in a fevered panic, she decided getting in her car and driving to the sex shop was the only answer. On the way, waves of orgasms made her swerve in the road wildly.

Eventually, a police officer pulled her over, and she tried to explain what happened to him. The police officer, not believing a word she is saying, says "magic dildo, my ass..."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 09, 2015, 09:41:18 AM
An oldie but a goodie:


Can you solve this?


You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your left side is a drop off.

On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star. (might not be necessary ;D )






* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *





 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: starnado on January 09, 2015, 09:47:49 AM
A joke from my daughter's Cayla doll. She knows quite a few, but this one gave us a chuckle because it was slightly rude for a seven year old sort-of-AI doll.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on January 16, 2015, 07:59:02 AM
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 16, 2015, 10:26:58 AM
Gynecologist's Assistant




A  man went into the Job Center in Downtown San Francisco,  and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. Duties include helping the women undress, helping them up on the exam table, throughly washing their private regions, applying shaving foam and gently shaving them, and rubbing in baby oil so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, but you'll have to go to Boise, Idaho."

 
"Good grief" said the man, "is that where the job is?"

 
"No sir" the clerk replied,  "that's where the end of the line is right now."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on January 16, 2015, 12:06:15 PM
From Geologic podcast:  What kind of bagel can fly? 

A plain bagel.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on March 27, 2015, 10:47:49 AM
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

 After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

 A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

 Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on April 10, 2015, 08:47:46 AM
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

 A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

 When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

 The bartender said "Oh, it's just the nuts--they're complimentary."  :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on April 10, 2015, 11:00:59 AM
I might have posted this before the crash but still a good joke: (sorry i'm late for easter)

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

(click to show/hide)

You know why the easter bunny hides eggs?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on April 17, 2015, 03:48:19 PM


A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.



No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.




The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.




But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:



"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single.  Just let it go."



 
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:



 
 



"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on May 22, 2015, 09:09:52 AM
There once was a man who decided he had to visit Australia once in his life. He read up on everything he could find, visited all the Australian web sites on the Internet and saved his money so he could make this once in a lifetime vacation.

The day finally came when it all came together and he was ready to leave. He boarded the plane and some hours later stepped off the plane at Sidney International. Australia at last!

Unfortunately, on his first day sightseeing, he began to get a bad headache. Thinking it was probably just jet lag he took two aspirin and continued his tour. The headache didn't go away, however, so he asked the tour guide where was the best place to go for treatment. "Sir, you'll want to go to the emergency room at the Mercy Hospital", the guide told him, "Its not far from here."

At the hospital, the doctor suggested he stay there overnight for observation and he agreed. He was assigned a room and a nun who was a nurse came in to see him. When he told her about his headache, she asked him if he had tried their Koala tea. "Its made from the fur of the Koala bear and has great healing properties", she said. He said he was willing to try anything at that point and asked that she bring him a cup.

Presently, the nun came back in with a cup of liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a mass of hair in the bottom. Feeling rather nausous, he said he didn't believe he could drink the tea with all that hair in the cup. "Couldn't you strain it out or something", he asked.

The nun was indignant. She said, "Sir, I'll have you know the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: DonA on May 22, 2015, 12:13:10 PM
Came across this guy recently.  Very funny dood. 

http://youtu.be/WADKgQ-prfE?list=RDe45HpPPkgu4
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Alex Simmons on May 23, 2015, 03:55:18 AM
There once was a man
This joke makes no sense to me.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on May 26, 2015, 07:02:07 AM
There once was a man
This joke makes no sense to me.
It's a pun on a line from Shakespeare -  "The quality of mercy is not strained"

Now do you get it?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on May 26, 2015, 08:00:16 AM
That joke is strained.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on May 26, 2015, 08:11:42 AM
That joke is strained.
:D :D
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on May 26, 2015, 08:25:07 AM
A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Alex Simmons on May 26, 2015, 06:07:12 PM
There once was a man
This joke makes no sense to me.
It's a pun on a line from Shakespeare -  "The quality of mercy is not strained"

Now do you get it?
Yes. I do now. I didn't lose. More a bad groaner of a joke than laugh inducing.

Pronunciation for me means it wasn't close enough to recognise the phrase.

I got distracted along the way to the punchline by "Sidney", that there is no Mercy hospital in or near Sydney, koalas are not bears and it's nauseous. But that's just being picky :)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on May 26, 2015, 10:14:34 PM
When I read your comment and then noticed that you were in Australia, it all became clear. Yeah, the Shaggy dog story is not for everyone, especially if you're going to take it as fact. So sorry about the "bears" and the "nauseousness." and I think I had a discussion that was lost to the ages with someone from AUS about a certain limerick he wrote or I wrote and the pronunciation that would make it work as it was intended. separated by a common language.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Alex Simmons on May 27, 2015, 02:07:03 AM
When I read your comment and then noticed that you were in Australia, it all became clear. Yeah, the Shaggy dog story is not for everyone, especially if you're going to take it as fact. So sorry about the "bears" and the "nauseousness." and I think I had a discussion that was lost to the ages with someone from AUS about a certain limerick he wrote or I wrote and the pronunciation that would make it work as it was intended. separated by a common language.
Variety is the spice and all that jazz :)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on June 12, 2015, 05:08:37 PM
So there was an Irishman who ran a Bed & Breakfast in the countryside named Shaun. One morning, a leprechaun walked into Shaun's B&B and asked for a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Shaun obliged the leprechaun, and sent him on his way.
The next day, the leprechaun was back, again asking for a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Again, Shaun provided him with both.
The third day, Shaun's banana supplies were running dangerously low. The leprechaun once again walked in, but Shaun said he could only give him half of a banana and a five-cent euro. The leprechaun accepted those and left.
The next morning, Shaun checked the unoccupied bedrooms (as is the wont of any B&B proprietor worth his rustic countryside location) and noticed the bedspread slightly ruffled. Puzzled, as he knew it was perfectly crisp the day previous, he straightened it out and went about his business. He reached the front desk.
The leprechaun was there.
Once more the leprechaun requested his tithe of tropical fruit and petty change, but Shaun only had a quarter of a banana left in the whole building by then, and he was saving it for his lunch. Still, he didn't want to upset the leprechaun and risk losing the valuable Sidhe customers that kept his establishment afloat between tourist seasons, so he gave it to the leprechaun.
When Shaun checked the open bedrooms the following morning, he was shocked to discover that the bedroom with the mysteriously ruffled bedspread only twenty-four hours previous was trashed. All the furniture was only vaguely identifiable as furniture, it looked like it would be much more at home in a dump. The windows were shattered, as were the mirrors, and there was neon yellow spray paint on every wall. In a state of shock, Shaun headed to the front desk to see him. Shaun exploded at the leprechaun, refusing to give him any more bananas or coins. In an angry puff of fruity smoke, the leprechaun vanished.
That evening, Shaun went to a pub, needing a few very strong drinks after the whole affair. He got them and headed back to his B&B. When he arrived, it was not there, replaced by a smoldering crater and the wreckage of his beloved Bed & Breakfast and a few charred corpses of one-time guests of his. Shaun stood there in shock for a few seconds before the leprechaun walked up and stood beside him. Shaun asked the leprechaun if he was the one who ruffled the bedspread.
"Yes," said the leprechaun.
Shaun asked if he destroyed the furniture and painted all the walls.
"Yes," answered the leprechaun.
Shaun asked if he blew up the Bed & Breakfast.
"Yes," replied the leprechaun.
Shaun asked why he always wanted a banana and a five-cent euro coin. Shaun asked why he retaliated with increasingly violent backlash when he did not receive a full banana. Shaun asked why he blew up Shaun's livelihood.
"I can tell you," answered the leprechaun, "but you must promise me first that you will never speak of it to another living soul for as long as you live."
Shaun agreed.
And what the leprechaun told Shaun, we will never know, because Shaun kept his promise and died without telling a single living soul.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on June 19, 2015, 01:27:14 PM
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. It sheds light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore and am lonesome. It is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: AQB24712 on June 19, 2015, 01:38:01 PM
So there was an Irishman who ran a Bed & Breakfast in the countryside named Shaun.

Etc., etc., etc....

Go to your room.  >:(
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on June 19, 2015, 02:13:02 PM
(http://40.media.tumblr.com/74b148a9fa27675306c4391a6b7b4831/tumblr_nq29hgbD1Q1rhkrwho1_540.png)
(http://40.media.tumblr.com/fd189959f3148449e06e7129c4f48cb8/tumblr_nq29hgbD1Q1rhkrwho2_500.png)
(http://40.media.tumblr.com/7130cc9aa5a5171cd9c75ea1aa6b9e18/tumblr_nq29hgbD1Q1rhkrwho3_500.png)

From http://doodleforfood.com/.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on June 19, 2015, 02:36:57 PM

(http://40.media.tumblr.com/7130cc9aa5a5171cd9c75ea1aa6b9e18/tumblr_nq29hgbD1Q1rhkrwho3_500.png)

From http://doodleforfood.com/.

Best punchline to a comic I've seen in a long time.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on June 20, 2015, 06:48:44 AM
Two ladies were talking about their sexual escapades in a bar one night.
The first one goes "Well I slept with one of the Avengers, you know."
"Ooh," said the second one. "Was it Thor?"
"Thor? Thor?" the first one replied. "I couldn't sit down for a week!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on July 31, 2015, 01:38:44 PM

 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him - A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns to a forum, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make someone laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 18, 2015, 01:41:21 PM
Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"
The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

 :rimshot:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on September 18, 2015, 01:59:10 PM
Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"
The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

 :rimshot:

Literally told that joke to my girlfriend two days ago.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 18, 2015, 03:04:28 PM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  :downsrim:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on September 18, 2015, 03:33:55 PM
The person that invented the Knock Knock joke should get a no-bell prize.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on September 18, 2015, 04:16:16 PM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  :downsrim:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Were you the one recently accepted to a Dad Jokes group on Facebook?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: UnicornPoop on September 18, 2015, 07:20:31 PM
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
















Ten
Ten tickles



That was from PZ's blog
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 21, 2015, 08:10:25 AM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  :downsrim:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Were you the one recently accepted to a Dad Jokes group on Facebook?
Actually I'm the one that didn't know what a Dad joke was.  :-\
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: starnado on September 21, 2015, 08:54:52 AM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  :downsrim:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Were you the one recently accepted to a Dad Jokes group on Facebook?
Actually I'm the one that didn't know what a Dad joke was.  :-\

Can't see the woods for the trees!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 21, 2015, 08:56:38 AM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  :downsrim:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Were you the one recently accepted to a Dad Jokes group on Facebook?
Actually I'm the one that didn't know what a Dad joke was.  :-\

Can't see the woods for the trees!  ;) :D
:laugh: :laugh: I'm just not hip enough to know about these new terms.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on October 02, 2015, 09:57:21 AM
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on October 02, 2015, 10:26:21 AM
This one has probably been done, but whatever:

Why did the hipster burn himself with his coffee?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on October 02, 2015, 10:34:16 AM
What is the best dressed mammal?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on October 16, 2015, 10:17:14 AM
For Joke Friday, I have found this hilarious pun from Rational Wiki on the Indigo Child (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Indigo_child) page:

Not to be confused with "In dingo child", which is what your child might become if you misplace it in Australia.


Don't ask me why I'm reading this shit at work.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on October 16, 2015, 12:07:32 PM
A priest, a prostitute, and a politician walk into a bar.

Bartender says... "This is a joke, right?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on October 16, 2015, 12:48:46 PM




PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD

         

 
 I never knew one word in English language that can be a  noun, verb, adj , adv , prep .   UP   
     

 

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is UP .'   It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep], [adj.], [n] or [ v ].           

     

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?             

     

 

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?  Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?   We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.   

   

 

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.  People stir UP  trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP   excuses.     

 

 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.     

 

       

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP ..   

 

 

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.   We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !   

   

 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP   the word UP   in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP   almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.   

 

 

If you are UP  to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP  is used.   It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with ( UP to) a hundred or more.           

 

     

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP .  When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP .   One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now . . .    My time is UP !           

     

 

Oh.  . .    One more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?   

   

 

U   P !   

 

 :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on October 16, 2015, 03:07:07 PM
So Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor.

Counselor:  "So, Mickey, you said you want a divorce just because she's crazy?"

Mickey:  "I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on October 23, 2015, 03:31:11 PM
Letter to her husband....



Dear Bob,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.


(http://www.trendzified.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/lolferrari_5b6578e7323896d9d86b37a1a4534105.jpg)

I cannot wait to get my hands on you again.

Your loving wife.

P.S . Your girlfriend called for you.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on November 06, 2015, 01:52:22 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/e6AtLUj.png)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on November 13, 2015, 11:49:30 AM
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on December 11, 2015, 11:59:44 AM
The other day I was driving by a prison and I saw a midget climbing down the wall to escape.

When he reached the bottom he sneered at me and I thought, “That’s a little condescending.”
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: EvilNick on December 11, 2015, 01:20:38 PM
The other day I was driving by a prison and I saw a midget climbing down the wall to escape.

When he reached the bottom he sneered at me and I thought, “That’s a little condescending.”

I feel like I enjoyed this joke too much.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on December 11, 2015, 01:37:41 PM
The other day I was driving by a prison and I saw a midget climbing down the wall to escape.

When he reached the bottom he sneered at me and I thought, “That’s a little condescending.”

I feel like I enjoyed this joke too much.

I'm already planning whom I will re-tell it to.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on December 11, 2015, 02:29:54 PM
A guy was at a busy bar when he suddenly feels the urge to break wind.

The music was loud so he think he might be able to get away with it.

He blasts a few giant ones out to the beat of the music. When he looks up from his drink he notices everyone is staring at him.

It was then he realized he had been listening to his iPod. 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Drunken Idaho on January 21, 2016, 07:59:39 PM
The other day I was driving by a prison and I saw a midget climbing down the wall to escape.

When he reached the bottom he sneered at me and I thought, “That’s a little condescending.”

I feel like I enjoyed this joke too much.

I'm already planning whom I will re-tell it to.

If you can keep a straight face, you can really milk this one too... there's a very big prison North of Houston that everybody sees on the highway, so it's easy to start out with "Man, I was driving up toward Dallas and stopped for gas near that big prison in Huntsville..."

A few friends have been close to punching me, and I almost always have to repeat the punchline.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 22, 2016, 10:59:30 AM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10928863_592077154257071_5286845040908546722_n.jpg?oh=b7b4fa9a206ceb8ef67c087804a7cf5a&oe=57499D06)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on January 22, 2016, 05:18:52 PM
Is this where we post the West Virginia jokes?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on January 23, 2016, 08:06:35 AM
Is this where we post the West Virginia jokes?
Are you looking for the Question Game thread?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Drunken Idaho on January 23, 2016, 02:20:11 PM
Skulker those are excellent and I shall employ them to many a groan.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on January 29, 2016, 03:05:48 PM
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on January 29, 2016, 03:37:22 PM
What comes between Fear and Sex?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on January 29, 2016, 03:51:50 PM
(http://lolcatresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/LoL-Cat-Research-why-did-frosty-want-a-divorce-meme.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on March 18, 2016, 02:27:29 PM
(http://cdn.kickvick.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/creative-jokes-03.jpg)

(http://cdn.kickvick.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/creative-jokes-06.jpg)

(http://cdn.kickvick.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/creative-jokes-20.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Soldier of FORTRAN on March 24, 2016, 10:27:03 PM
Quote
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don't know what either of those things are.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 24, 2016, 10:29:53 PM
OK who got a TARDIS or chronobelt or pedaltastictimeographatator and made this a Friday?


ETA: Because AWESOME.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on March 25, 2016, 12:04:36 PM
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”. But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on March 25, 2016, 11:10:31 PM
A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 25, 2016, 11:13:40 PM
A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?"

Badda boom schwee
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on April 01, 2016, 06:30:27 PM
A man dies and goes to hell. He wakes up in a cheap little motel room. After looking around for a little bit, he discovers that it's not so bad. He has clean sheets, a decent shower and basic cable. When he goes outside he sees satan in a golf cart. He says "Oh, you're the new guy, I'm here to give you the tour." So satan drives him around hell, showing him all the sights. A pool, a family style Italian restaurant. The guy says, "Hey, this isn't so bad." and satan says, "Yeah, we like it here, Heaven is better though. They've got premium cable, fancy restaurants and a private lagoon, but we like it here."

Then the golf cart turns the corner and the guy sees a flaming pit of naked souls in agony under an apocalyptic sky.  "What is THAT!?!?!" he asks. "Oh, that's for the catholics," says satan. "They insisted on it."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on April 15, 2016, 08:52:50 AM
An over weight man goes to his doctor with high blood pressure and high cholesterol.
The Doctor says "if you don't change your lifestyle you are going to have a heart attack and die."
The guy  asks what he should do and the doctor replies. "Take up jogging. I want you to run 10 miles a day for a month and call me."
So the guy leaves and a month later the doctor gets a phone call.
"You were right doctor." The guys says. "I lost a lot of weight and I feel great. but, There is one problem."
The curious doctor asked what was wrong and the guy answers.
"Now I'm 3000 miles from home and can't remember the way back."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: starnado on April 15, 2016, 10:27:58 AM
An oldy but a goody, imho - something someone said tov xdfjcsdgmj sf kgjk cm jday reminded me of it.

A man is being assessed by a psychologist who shows him a range of Rorschach test (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rorschach_test) sheets.

On seeing the first page, the man is asked to describe what he sees. He says "that is two men fucking".
When shown the next page, he says "that is a man and a woman naked in a hot tub".
The third page, "A woman's breasts".
The fourth page, "A man and a woman touching each other". And through all of the images, he keeps making sexual interpretations of the shapes.

At the end, the man says "so, doc, what do you think is wrong with me?" The psychologist says "I fear you may be obsessed with sex" to which the man replies "Me? Obsessed with sex? What about you? You are the one who kept showing me all those dirty pictures!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on April 22, 2016, 02:46:20 PM
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he roared.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I did in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He mounted up and started to ride out of town. The bartender ran out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on April 27, 2016, 06:38:48 PM
(http://assets.amuniversal.com/79e29840d8e901334e5c005056a9545d)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on April 29, 2016, 10:24:45 PM
I really tried to find a joke that was appropriate to the hot topics this week of Mansplaining and Feminism or even Bros, there is nothing funny and original out there.

What's brown and sticky?
.
.
.
A STICK!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on April 30, 2016, 12:19:04 AM
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-4nC9xq2Fpcs/VyQx16mvxjI/AAAAAAAB_H4/VS-cgvJ5eG8H6ZpEU6Erp_em0SWTTm2jgCK8B/s512/2016-04-29.png)

I"M STILL AWAKE SO IT IS STILL FRISDYA~!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Soldier of FORTRAN on April 30, 2016, 11:38:55 PM
Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Soldier of FORTRAN on April 30, 2016, 11:53:18 PM
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/

Quote
In capitalism, man oppresses man. In socialism, it is the other way around.

Quote
Three men are sitting in a cell in the (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek."

Quote
Three men are sitting in jail. First guy asks the second why he was imprisoned, who replies "Because I came to work 15 minutes late, and am accused of being an unproductive parasite in a socialist state"; The first man says he was in jail "Because I came to work 15 minutes early, and am accused of espionage in a socialist state", then they ask the third guy why he is in jail; the guy replies "Well, I came to work on time, but I was arrested for owning a western watch".
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: SkeptiQueer on May 01, 2016, 04:56:58 AM
I can't tell jokes anymore. Well i can, but not stand up. My routine was okay, timing was getting there, but the hecklers, man. I just lost it one day, this young guy stands up and yells "We're dying here, shut up already." And I just lost it. Made him cry in front of everyone, with his stupid shaved head, dressing in pajamas in the middle of the day, interrupting my act, thinking he was funny.

Joke's on me I guess, security escorted me out and everyone was on the kid's side. St. Jude's told me never to come back after that.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on May 01, 2016, 08:38:56 AM
Two ladies were talking about their sexual escapades in a bar one night.
The first one goes "Well I slept with one of the Avengers, you know."
"Ooh," said the second one. "Was it Thor?"
"Thor? Thor?" the first one replied. "I couldn't sit down for a week!"

The Thunder God rode out one night, mounted on a filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried. The horse replied, "Forgot your thaddle, thilly!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on May 06, 2016, 12:54:27 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/HaV3gNm.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on May 06, 2016, 02:54:42 PM
A cowboy walks into the town saloon and gets a drink. Aside from the bartender, he's the only one in the place.

Cowboy asks the bartender, "Where's everybody."

Bartender replies, "They're out to to watch the hangin'"

Cowboy says, "Who's hangin'?"

Bartender says, "Brown Paper Pete."

Cowboy shakes his head and says, "Brown Paper Pete?! What kind of name is that?"

"Well," says the barman, "He always wears a brown paper hat, brown paper coat, paper pants, and paper shoes."

"Weird," says the Cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

Bartender says, "Rustling."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on May 27, 2016, 12:54:00 PM
Bob takes a sex tour of Asia. Upon returning home, he notices green and orange spots on his
genitals, and promptly runs to see his MD.

The doctor examines him, and is mystified. He leaves the room, returns with a diagnostic
manual and starts flipping through. Finally the doctor finds his answer.

"Bob," he says solemnly, "I've never seen this before, but I'm sure that what you have is a
particularly vicious strain of Mongolian VD. I'm afraid you'll have to have your penis
amputated."

Bob does not like this, and decides to get a second opinion, so down the street he goes to the
Chinese herbalist.

The herbalist takes one quick look and says, "Oh yes, I see this many time in old country. This
Mongolian VD."

Bob, clearly disappointed, says, "Yeah. That's what my regular doctor says. He told me I'll
have to have my dick amputated."

The herbalist is disgusted. "These Western doctors. Always want unnecessary surgery, more
money. They have no respect for ancient, natural solution."

Bob is relieved. "You mean I don't need to have it amputated?"

The herbalist smiles. "That's right. You wait two week, It fall off on its own."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on May 27, 2016, 01:13:30 PM
A local zoo had a very popular gorilla exibit that brought people in from miles around.
One day the zookeeper found the gorilla had passed away and informed the owner.
The owner was very sad and concerned his zoo was going to lose money now.
So he hired an actor to dress in a gorilla costume.
The actor did a great job and people keep coming to see the gorilla.
As the actor got more comfortable he would do tricks to impress the crowds.
One day he climbed the gorilla play structure out over the lions cage and hung there amazing the crowd.
The actor then lost his grip on the branch and dropped into the lions den.
Panicked the actor called for help just as the lion pounced on him from behind.
That was when he heard the whisper. "Quiet you fool, you will get us both fired."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: starnado on May 28, 2016, 04:12:17 AM
We all loved that!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 03, 2016, 09:15:42 AM
This just in:

(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13307230_807581319372271_7952477309255304481_n.jpg?oh=20020d298665cd40b9bd3d696e3c66ae&oe=57C726BB)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Drunken Idaho on June 03, 2016, 01:46:19 PM
Hah. I like that one.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: starnado on June 03, 2016, 02:17:41 PM
Why did the Marxist drink synthetic tea?
(click to show/hide)

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: SkeptiQueer on June 03, 2016, 06:34:56 PM
Life is like an ejaculation, sometimes bitter, sometimes salty, and you rarely see it coming in time.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 10, 2016, 09:11:25 AM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13346610_1014297318626201_4571933679984314338_n.jpg?oh=f4b9655e520adef84a585cc97f2942d1&oe=57D3DEBC)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 17, 2016, 08:29:30 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/SFR9tx3.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on June 17, 2016, 10:58:37 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/X5kRTdO.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on June 17, 2016, 05:20:02 PM
An older guy goes to his local clinic and asks to see a doctor. He's told to go into the first available examination room and strip, and a doctor will be with him shortly.

Imagine the doctor's surprise when he walks in and finds the guy completely naked and sporting a bright orange dick.

"Hmmmmmmmmm," goes the doc. "I must say, I've never seen anything quite like that!"

"I know, I know," says the guy. "I was kind of hoping it would go away, but it seems to be getting worse."

"Well," says the doc. "Do you and your spouse engage in any unusual sexual activities?"

"No, in fact my wife passed away last year."

"Hmmmmmmmm. No prostitutes, no one-night stands?"

"No, nothing like that."

"Okay.... How about work? Do you handle any toxic chemicals on the job?"

"Nope, not at all. In fact, I'm retired."

"I see. Well, how do you spend your days?"

"Well, I've just been kind of laying around the house lately."

"Uh-huh. Any gardening, anything like that?"

"Nope. I just sit in my armchair all day, watch porn flicks, eat Cheetos...."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on June 24, 2016, 04:27:05 PM
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on June 24, 2016, 04:57:22 PM
 Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

(http://ecolo.org/photos/eole/Eolienne1touteSeule.JPG)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Andrew Clunn on June 24, 2016, 05:00:49 PM
Yeah for dad jokes!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Captain Video on June 24, 2016, 10:45:52 PM
I have no clue what is right or wrong about Brexit but this play on words just made me laugh

(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13438853_629992853816283_5510902017399209241_n.jpg?oh=b00f99662db040d4e3800f7b2ffc842b&oe=58086ACF)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on July 01, 2016, 06:33:21 PM
For current Mafia Gamers:  A dinosaur with bad hemorrhoids is a megasoreass.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on July 05, 2016, 12:55:06 PM
A group of NAZI anti-circumcision activists were producing a superhero comic. Much to their chagrin, the only issues that sold enough copies to turn a profit were the ones where their "hero" failed to stop a circumcision and uttered the catch phrase, "Curses, Moheled again."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on July 22, 2016, 07:22:19 AM
(https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13775888_10153603613882102_9195605735469966884_n.jpg?oh=df89aabd9b977ee415c83f2c99f0fddf&oe=582C6B64)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: SQ the ΣΛ/IGMд on July 22, 2016, 09:13:34 PM
Why shouldn't you try to write with a broken pencil?

There's no point.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 01, 2016, 12:44:25 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/UdyQ3nB.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on August 03, 2016, 04:19:01 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/UdyQ3nB.jpg)

Oh sweet Jebus! there's a story about something like that happening!

(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51ZvtW2tu-L.jpg) (https://www.amazon.com/Carsons-Erotic-Love-Words-Jesus-ebook/dp/B01837G974/ref=as_li_ss_il?ie=UTF8&qid=1470255256&sr=8-1&keywords=tea+bagger+ben+carson&linkCode=li2&tag=buckwhea-20&linkId=c2d2fcc7c3d8e96531ec0809441a96c7)

Well, it's not aliens that put things up his rear, at least not aliens from another planet. I suppose Jesus would count as an undocumented alien, seeing as how he was born in the Middle East but was coming (Wrong spelling in this context?) to the USA without a visa.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 26, 2016, 07:51:48 AM
Cross post from YLYL because it makes me laugh and it's Friday.

(http://i.imgur.com/NNlAf1W.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on August 27, 2016, 02:14:02 AM
Have at it, ladies:

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Harry Black on August 27, 2016, 04:53:06 AM
That took me so long to get!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on August 28, 2016, 09:49:42 PM
I hear that older guys can only manage...

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on August 29, 2016, 11:51:26 AM
I hear that older guys can only manage...

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on August 31, 2016, 09:50:08 AM
That took me so long to get!

It can be hard.

I hear that older guys can only manage...

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;


I think you mean:

Code: [Select]
      __
    (_,_)
     \    \
      \    \
      _\    \__
     (   \     )   )
      \___\___/

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 16, 2016, 11:09:55 AM
Did you hear about the painter who tried to save money by adding water to his paint when he was helping renovate the old church? Evidently a lightning bolt came down from the sky and a booming voice yelled, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on September 16, 2016, 06:31:52 PM
That took me so long to get!

It can be hard.

I hear that older guys can only manage...

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;


I think you mean:

Code: [Select]
      __
    (_,_)
     \    \
      \    \
      _\    \__
     (   \     )   )
      \___\___/

It is a true thing that throughout human history, people have always found it funny to draw a cock and balls. It's about the oldest visual joke there is.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Skulker on September 23, 2016, 10:18:30 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/BIbZJga.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Noisy Rhysling on September 23, 2016, 02:30:30 PM
How do atheists say grace?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on September 23, 2016, 02:31:52 PM
How do atheists say grace?

(click to show/hide)

True story - I did this once when asked:

"God is bogus, he's not real.  We thank Mama for this meal."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: daniel1948 on September 23, 2016, 06:46:09 PM
How do atheists say grace?

(click to show/hide)

True story - I did this once when asked:

"God is bogus, he's not real.  We thank Mama for this meal."

"For what we are about to receive, O Lord, 'tis thee we thank," said the cannibal as he cut a slice of the missionary's shank.

-- Source unknown.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 27, 2016, 03:08:32 PM
Why do computer programmers have so much trouble with date functions involving Halloween or Christmas?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 27, 2016, 03:13:19 PM
Why does Halleyscomet/Wakefield have so much trouble with date functions involving Tuesday for Friday?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 27, 2016, 03:14:22 PM
Why does Halleyscomet/Wakefield have so much trouble with date functions involving Tuesday for Friday?

(click to show/hide)

My toddler is having trouble sleeping. I only WISH it were Friday.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 27, 2016, 03:20:15 PM
Why does Halleyscomet/Wakefield have so much trouble with date functions involving Tuesday for Friday?

(click to show/hide)

My toddler is having trouble sleeping. I only WISH it were Friday.

Oh yeah. I saw your bitching thread post, I've been there, Zaros was a really good thrower-upper. 

Ok you're off the hook.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ah.hell on November 18, 2016, 01:55:37 PM
Stolen from someone:

The competition for cabinet posts is getting really fierce now that its down to the swim suit competition.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on November 25, 2016, 08:59:25 AM
From Scandinavia and the World:

(http://satwcomic.com/art/nice-time-to-stay-indoors.png)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: SQ the ΣΛ/IGMд on November 25, 2016, 11:45:40 AM
I really like that ^
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: SkeptiQueer on November 25, 2016, 11:48:51 AM
Sweden and The World is always a fun peek at that part of the world.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on November 25, 2016, 02:38:55 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cxz9SwNVEAAKY59.png)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on November 25, 2016, 02:57:29 PM
You do know Friday is named after Thor's mom?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on November 25, 2016, 03:01:59 PM
No. Friday is named after Freia (who may or may not be the same as Oden's wife Frigg). Thor is the son of Oden and Fjorgynn, who may have been an earlier thunder god. Or it may be another name for Jord, the earth goddess (cp. german Erda).
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Anders on November 25, 2016, 04:18:11 PM
This is the support group for people with broken bones. Welcome to snapchat.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Awatsjr on November 28, 2016, 12:55:37 AM
From third grade:

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on February 17, 2017, 01:29:30 PM
Wow, I guess nobody's been in a Joking mood since November...I wonder why?


At an evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised.

During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The usher listened to this complaint, and promised he would check into it. 

At the end of the night’s performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of. 

A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Harry Black on February 17, 2017, 01:49:11 PM
Wow, I guess nobody's been in a Joking mood since November...I wonder why?


At an evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised.

During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The usher listened to this complaint, and promised he would check into it. 

At the end of the night’s performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of. 

A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
I audibly groaned!
Thank you.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on March 03, 2017, 06:11:25 PM
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

Helium doesn't react.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on March 10, 2017, 02:44:22 PM
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: seamas on March 10, 2017, 03:43:02 PM
This one works  when spoken rather than written, but I still love it.

Q. What did Sigmund Freud claim to come between fear and sex?





A:    fünf









Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: SkeptiQueer on March 10, 2017, 07:31:50 PM
I've recently been diagnosed with a severe disorder but I think it might be a quack diagnosis, my physician claims the problem is with my humor. I'm supposed to watch what I eat to avoid getting the puns, check the house and remove any joking hazards, and make sure my SO can identify the signs of gagging.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on March 17, 2017, 11:56:48 AM
(https://68.media.tumblr.com/31193c9c7fe7ecba7cc102c9e737a3de/tumblr_nla6v9WH431tqocdho1_400.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Desert Fox on May 12, 2017, 01:19:53 AM
I don't know if this fits?
http://www.duffelblog.com/2017/05/going-goddamned-black-powder-trump-rails-armys-search-new-rifle/

‘You going to goddamned black powder’ — Trump rails against the Army’s search for a new rifle

You know the gun is quite important. So I said what is this? Sir, this is our cartridge system. He said well, we’re going to this because we wanted to have better range on our weapons. I said you don’t use black powder anymore for gun? No sir. I said, “Ah, how is it working?” “Sir, not good. Not good. Doesn’t have the power. You know the blackpowder with grapeshot is just brutal. You see that sucker going and shrapnel going all over the place, there’s burning gases thrown up in the air, big, big explosion, very strong.”

And it’s very complicated, you have to be Samuel Colt to figure it out. And I said–and now they want to buy more cartridge. New ones. That use cartridge. I said what system are you going to be–”Sir, we’re staying with cartridge.” I said no you’re not. You going to goddamned black powder, the cartridge costs hundreds of millions of dollars more money and it’s no good. Cartridge.


Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Soldier of FORTRAN on June 23, 2017, 09:04:14 PM
A sign painter in Moscow is tasked with painting inspirational murals on factory walls.  However, he is never issued enough paint to complete his jobs.  He applies to commissar to have his paint ration increased but the commissar repeatedly refuses his requests and tells him to make do.

One night -- in frustration -- he paints, "THE COMMISSAR IS AN IDIOT," on the wall of the local party office. 

The next morning, he is arrested and sentenced to thirty-one years of hard labor: one year for vandalism and thirty years for revealed a state secret. 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on August 04, 2017, 11:32:16 AM
(https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2016-10/19/16/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane03/sub-buzz-27578-1476908333-2.jpg?downsize=715:*&output-format=auto&output-quality=auto)

(https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2016-10/19/17/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane01/sub-buzz-27467-1476911597-1.jpg?downsize=715:*&output-format=auto&output-quality=auto)

(https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2016-10/19/16/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane03/sub-buzz-27554-1476908320-3.png?downsize=715:*&output-format=auto&output-quality=auto)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: John Albert on August 04, 2017, 01:18:16 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/rGFsX5f.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on August 04, 2017, 01:33:16 PM
Do human jokes count?

http://boingboing.net/2017/08/04/listen-to-the-phone-call-that.html
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on August 04, 2017, 03:31:57 PM
Do human jokes count?

http://boingboing.net/2017/08/04/listen-to-the-phone-call-that.html

Yeah, right along with this one.

Trump Says Mueller Just Called Him and Said He’s the Most Innocent Person Ever (http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-says-mueller-just-called-him-and-said-hes-the-most-innocent-person-ever),
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: John Albert on August 11, 2017, 03:13:19 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/ULTOgaL.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on August 11, 2017, 04:08:36 AM
Lost!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 01, 2017, 12:40:12 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 01, 2017, 01:02:15 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."

I'm stealing that for Facebook.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on September 01, 2017, 01:08:54 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:

This is my kind of joke.  I think I need to come up with some way to put it in the 70's and describe that it's a real record store though... maybe embellish with hand gestures about 12" LPs and tone arms.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Alex Simmons on September 03, 2017, 07:54:58 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:

This is my kind of joke.  I think I need to come up with some way to put it in the 70's and describe that it's a real record store though... maybe embellish with hand gestures about 12" LPs and tone arms.
Maybe a vintage vinyl record store and a rare recording originally made in the 70s and thought lost by experts.
Not sure if I laughed or groaned...
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Friendly Angel on September 05, 2017, 04:00:56 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:

This is my kind of joke.  I think I need to come up with some way to put it in the 70's and describe that it's a real record store though... maybe embellish with hand gestures about 12" LPs and tone arms.
Maybe a vintage vinyl record store and a rare recording originally made in the 70s and thought lost by experts.
Not sure if I laughed or groaned...

Yes... this worked; and speaking very clearly and distinctly each time you say "the world's foremost authority on European wasps" makes the listener think that's where the pun is coming from - so it adds to the surprise pun.  Also, just before the punch line, I did the motions of the clerk handling the record with a puzzled expression and flipping it over to look at the other side before realizing his error and apologizing.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 05, 2017, 07:46:25 PM
My dad was always very fond of shaggy dog stories, the original was, I think, his favorite, but this one also got told a lot when given the opportunity.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ah.hell on September 14, 2017, 01:51:40 PM
Thursday is close enough.

My new joke about the fibonacci sequence is as good as the last two combined.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Alex Simmons on September 14, 2017, 05:19:08 PM
Thursday is close enough.

My new joke about the fibonacci sequence is as good as the last two combined.
Posted it yesterday here:
https://sguforums.com/index.php/topic,36430.msg9525266.html#msg9525266

I think you worded it better than my poor attempt.

I attempted to tell the wasp record joke the other day. It was hard keeping a straight face but I got there and attained a suitable balance of laughter and groans.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ah.hell on September 14, 2017, 06:15:33 PM
Thursday is close enough.

My new joke about the fibonacci sequence is as good as the last two combined.
Posted it yesterday here:
https://sguforums.com/index.php/topic,36430.msg9525266.html#msg9525266

I think you worded it better than my poor attempt.

I attempted to tell the wasp record joke the other day. It was hard keeping a straight face but I got there and attained a suitable balance of laughter and groans.
That just tells me my friend who specializes in bad jokes is a plagiarist.  I have a lot of practice trying to fix his jokes.  Usually all I can do is make them a bit more pithy.  Which helps.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on September 15, 2017, 02:56:20 PM
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."

"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."

"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."

"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"

"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"

"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.

"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, dick brain, now get out of my store."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on September 21, 2017, 10:33:48 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/KQkulh9.png)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 22, 2017, 09:18:59 AM
You want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

(https://i.imgur.com/zn0zAY3.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 22, 2017, 09:23:01 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/lLNO22U.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 22, 2017, 09:44:34 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/IZ3exPx.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 22, 2017, 10:11:08 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/VG8GJmG.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on September 22, 2017, 10:13:39 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/2I7Wg9t.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on September 29, 2017, 01:11:19 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OF-CeB1y174
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: John Albert on September 29, 2017, 02:13:20 PM
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?

Preheat your oven to 500 degrees, put in the duck and leave it in until its bill withers.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on October 20, 2017, 10:41:16 AM
Two women in heaven:
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Henning on October 20, 2017, 10:50:03 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:

This is my kind of joke.  I think I need to come up with some way to put it in the 70's and describe that it's a real record store though... maybe embellish with hand gestures about 12" LPs and tone arms.
Maybe a vintage vinyl record store and a rare recording originally made in the 70s and thought lost by experts.
Not sure if I laughed or groaned...

Yes... this worked; and speaking very clearly and distinctly each time you say "the world's foremost authority on European wasps" makes the listener think that's where the pun is coming from - so it adds to the surprise pun.  Also, just before the punch line, I did the motions of the clerk handling the record with a puzzled expression and flipping it over to look at the other side before realizing his error and apologizing.

It's a very Norm-ian joke. (MacDonald)
My kind too.   :cheers:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ah.hell on October 27, 2017, 03:51:26 PM
Courtesy of Conan O'Brien.

Today the President declassified the documents related to the JFK assassination.
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on October 27, 2017, 04:03:46 PM
1. The Bard: http://imgur.com/gallery/pgWCH
2. The Cleric: http://imgur.com/gallery/Q8GiD
3. The Druid: http://imgur.com/gallery/AEtZR
4. The Enchantress: http://imgur.com/gallery/6Ki6K
5. The Monk: http://imgur.com/gallery/nCFTG
6. The Paladin: http://imgur.com/gallery/3gadC
7. The Rogue: http://imgur.com/gallery/1oVs9
8. The Wizard: http://imgur.com/gallery/ByLE7
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on January 12, 2018, 05:09:43 PM
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support



Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on January 22, 2018, 04:50:10 PM
That joke was hoary when I started my first IT job. Also, full of sexist stereotypes.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: John Albert on January 22, 2018, 06:12:07 PM
Yeah, it's an oldie for sure.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: John Albert on January 23, 2018, 06:36:19 PM
Pretty good dad joke

(https://i.imgur.com/d8DMvw3.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on January 26, 2018, 12:56:17 PM
I met a guy at the bar, who looked really drunk, so just trying to be nice, I offered to take him home.

We pulled up to his house, I walked around and opened his door. As I helped him out of the car, he just falls down on his face. I picked him back up and he falls down again. This happens all the way to the front door. Finally, I ring the doorbell. His wife comes to the door and I say, "Ma'am, I brought your husband home from the bar, and he seems to be really drunk".
She says, "Thanks, but where is his wheel chair?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on January 26, 2018, 01:07:09 PM
I met a guy at the bar, who looked really drunk, so just trying to be nice, I offered to take him home.

We pulled up to his house, I walked around and opened his door. As I helped him out of the car, he just falls down on his face. I picked him back up and he falls down again. This happens all the way to the front door. Finally, I ring the doorbell. His wife comes to the door and I say, "Ma'am, I brought your husband home from the bar, and he seems to be really drunk".
She says, "Thanks, but where is his wheel chair?"

(https://i.imgur.com/07e21Ie.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on January 26, 2018, 05:52:11 PM
Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: John Albert on February 02, 2018, 11:46:54 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/PqQuVUQ.jpg)

NOW FORCE CHOKE YOURSELF!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on February 02, 2018, 12:32:20 PM
NSFW

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on March 02, 2018, 01:32:36 PM
Frank Perdue's lawyer was working on an inspired scheme to sell more chicken.
He called the Vatican and requested a private audience with the Pope.

The request was refused, but the lawyer called again and again, and finally his request was granted.
A few weeks later he was brought into a grand and stately room for an audience with His Eminence.
He knelt and kissed the Pope's ring and explained who he was and who he represented.
Then he said, 'Your Holiness, I have a proposition to make that I think could be of huge benefit to both of us.

I'd like you to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
It will help my client sell more chickens, and we are prepared to pay the Church $1 million for this.'
The Pope shook his head firmly and said, 'No, young man, I am afraid that it is out of the question.
The words to that holy prayer have remained unchanged for 2,000 years.'

But the lawyer persisted. 'Well, Your Holiness, would you do it for $5 million?' 'No, no,' replied the Pope, 'absolutely not.
The Church holds tradition sacred and does not make changes casually.'
The lawyer stood up. 'All right, one hundred million dollars!
Would you do it for one hundred million? Think of what you could do with that money!'

The Pope reflected silently upon the starving people around the world, the far-flung missions, and the myriad of other financial burdens on the Church.
He looked over at the papal attorney before he nodded his assent. 'Please tell Mr. Perdue that we have an agreement.'

The next day, the Pope called a meeting of the College of Cardinals. 'Dearest colleagues,' the Pope began, 'I have for you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we are receiving one hundred million from Mr. Frank Perdue to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' 'The bad news, friends, is that we're losing the Wonder Bread account.'

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: CarbShark on March 02, 2018, 03:31:22 PM
OK, this isn't so much a joke, but something that actually happened.

I was refereeing a boys U-14 soccer game. Two players went to head a ball and banged their heads together.

I stopped play and called the coaches out on the field and they began to assess for concussion and this is what I overheard:

Coach: "Tell me your name"

Player: "Danny"

Coach: "Ok, what day is it?"

Player: "It's Saturday"

Coach: Good. Who's president of the United States

Player: "umm" hesitates  "uhhh"

Coach: "Danny, can you tell me who is president of the United States"

Player: "It's Donald Fucking Trump."

Coach: "Okay, he's fine, ref!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 02, 2018, 05:12:48 PM

MINNESOTA BEAR REMOVER

One morning, a man in Minnesota found a bear on his roof.

He looked in the yellow pages & sure enough there was an ad for “ Up North Bear Remover”

He called the listed number — and the bear remover said he’d be there in an hour

 The bear remover arrived & got out of his van

He had a ladder — a baseball bat — a 12 gauge shot gun and a mean looking, heavily scarred Pit Bull dog

'What are you going to do?” asked the homeowner


“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof.

Then I’m going up there to knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off the roof,

the pit bull dog is trained to grab his testicles and never let go.


The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him into the cage in the back of the van.”

He then handed the shot gun to the homeowner


“What’s the shot gun for?” the homeowner asked

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog"



Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 09, 2018, 01:07:55 PM
Two guys have been sitting next to each other drinking at a rooftop bar in the big city. 

One guy turns to the other and says "You gnow, I hear tha' these buildin's are s-o-o-o tall and s-o-o-o close ta each otha', tha' dere's such an updraft if you fall, ya won't evuh hit the street." 

The second guy says "I'm not as drunk as you tink I am.  I don't blive you!"

The first guy says "Shure.  I'll show ya'," walks to the edge and falls over.

100 stories...        90 stories...     80 stories,  70,  60 50 4030 20   10,    20,    30  40 5060708090100  and he's back on top of the building.

The second guy stares, finishes his drink in one gulp, walks to the edge and steps over.

100 stories...        90 stories...     80 stories,  70,  60 50 4030201051 SPLAT!

The bartender turns to the first guy and says:

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ah.hell on March 09, 2018, 05:01:17 PM
I wonder if a better punch line might be:
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 09, 2018, 08:58:44 PM
a) It's my joke (I heard from somewhere else years ago) and I'll tell it how I want.
b)
(click to show/hide)
c)
(click to show/hide)

ObJoke:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ah.hell on March 16, 2018, 11:05:31 AM
I heard this on a podcast, the pollsters.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 16, 2018, 11:13:59 AM
Kidzilla (7) told this one this week:

Kidzilla: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Kidzilla: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interrup-
Kidzilla: MOO!

I was prepared to laugh dutifully, but she delivered it bursting with such delighted enthusiasm that I laughed for real.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: daniel1948 on March 16, 2018, 11:59:13 AM
Kidzilla (7) told this one this week:

Kidzilla: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Kidzilla: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interrup-
Kidzilla: MOO!

I was prepared to laugh dutifully, but she delivered it bursting with such delighted enthusiasm that I laughed for real.

Now, that really IS funny!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: seamas on March 16, 2018, 12:16:30 PM
iirc there are 2 or 3 follow up jokes for the interupting cow joke.

A good one to tell little kids (needs to be spoken)

A big-moth frog just had a baby and didn't know what to feed it so he set off to find out.
He hopped into a pasture and came upon a cow and said,
(must say the line loudly and with BIG mouth movements)
"Hi!  I just had a baby, what do you feed your baby?"
The cow replied, " I feed my baby milk, but you can't make milk"
BMF: "OK, Thank you very much!

So the Big Mouth frog hopped into the forest and came upon a squirrell and said,
"Hi! I just had a baby, what do you feed your baby?"
The squirrell replied, " I feed my baby nuts, but your baby doesn't have teeth"
BMF: "OK, Thank you very much!

So the Big Mouth frog hopped over to the pond and came upon a snakel and said,
"Hi!  I just had a baby, what do you feed your baby?"
The snake replied, " Big Mouth Frogs"
BMF: (said with mouth almost shut) "thank you very much!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 16, 2018, 07:07:53 PM
A doctor, an engineer and lawyer were having a discussion about whose profession was the oldest.

The doctor cites God's creation of man, saying "That knowledge of biology shows God was definitely a doctor."

The engineers states "ah, but before that , god created order from chaos, and that is the mark of an engineer."

To which the lawyer says, "Where do you think the chaos came from?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 16, 2018, 08:22:43 PM
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man steps in front of them, throws open his coat, and whips it out.

The first nun, seeing the flasher, she has a stroke.

The second nun, her jaw drops, and she has a stroke too.

The third nun, she can't reach.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 16, 2018, 09:01:13 PM
Knock knock.
   Who's there?
I don't know.
   Third Base.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 30, 2018, 09:42:11 PM
How many flat-earthers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 30, 2018, 11:19:06 PM
A duck waddled into a bar.

The bartender asked, "Waddle you have?" He snickered to himself, enjoying his own cleverness while wiping down the bar.

Quack. "Do you have toast?" Quack.

"Toast?" The bartender was incredulous, and she let it show. "This is a bar! Harry Black drinks here! You think we have toast?!"

Quack. "Do you have toast?" Quack.

"Hellnuggets," she muttered, throwing down the rag. "No, birdbrain. We don't have any fuckin' toast," she said while she grabbed a tumbler and a bottle of whisky and poured herself a drink. The duck waited, though his feathers did ruffle when she held the amber liquid up to the light for a long moment. The bartender took a long sip of her ample dram, then set the glass down. "For the last time," she growled, "What. Do. You. What?"

Quack. "Do you have toast?" Quack.

She slammed the rest of the whiskey, slammed the glass on the bar, and slammed her elbows beside it as she surged right up in the duck's bill. "No, you littl shit, and if you ask for toast again I'll nail your fucking bill to the bar!"

There was a long pause. The bartender turned away to resort the booze shelves as an excuse to calm down. The duck preened his feathers for a moment, regaining his composure. Finally, the bartender turned back to the duck. Before she could ask, the duck said, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender's mouth was open already - she was about to ask what the duck wanted - but this question dropped her jaw completely. Her eyebrows rose in an attempt to counterbalance the sudden shift in the centre of gravity of her face.

"The fuck?" was all she managed.

"Nails," the duck said. "Do you have any?"

"No you downy fuck, I don't have any godforsak---"

"Do you have any toast?"

Quack.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: daniel1948 on March 31, 2018, 10:30:42 AM
In the version I heard (from a hiking guide a decade ago) the story takes place over a period of four or five days, with the duck asking "Ya got any grapes?" The bartender not only has no grapes, but says "... and what's more, I don't serve ducks in my bar!" and the bartender eventually threatening to "... nail your goddamned webbed feet to the floor."

I laughed my head off and was giggling for the rest of the day.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 03, 2018, 03:32:55 PM
Interestingly, the bartender changed sex partway through this interaction with the duck. Also, she was drinking on the job, which is a no-no.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: daniel1948 on April 03, 2018, 04:02:42 PM
In my version the bartender does not drink or change sex, though if the bartender wants to change sex I totally support their right to do so.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Harry Black on April 03, 2018, 04:31:20 PM
I did wonder why there were feathers and blood all over my local...
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on April 03, 2018, 06:09:32 PM
Interestingly, the bartender changed sex partway through this interaction with the duck. Also, she was drinking on the job, which is a no-no.

That is all explained because the bartender is a clownfish.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: starnado on April 06, 2018, 08:24:58 AM
https://youtu.be/MtN1YnoL46Q

This is the version of the duck joke my kids showed me.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on April 14, 2018, 06:17:48 PM
The recently widowed Mrs. Shelley was sitting at her husband's funeral, dabbing tears after their daughter's thoughtful eulogy. A man leaned in and quietly asked, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," she said.

He nodded gravely and made his way to the front. Standing at the podium for a moment to collect himself, he checked his notes, then tucked them into his suit jacket. "Plethora," he said. He nodded to the mourners, then stepped away to sit back down.

"Thank you," the widow said. "That means a lot."

Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 14, 2018, 08:03:31 PM
Thinking some more about the duck and bartender joke, to fill in the time in between Fridays, I am given to wonder why the bartender in this telling of the tale is so foul-mouthed. Now don't get me wrong, I live in Australia, where we never need an excuse to swear, but it struck me as a touch excessive in this particular recitation. I wonder whether the joke would be just as good without the profanity. And if it is, what purpose the profanity serves.

#justshowerthoughts
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on April 14, 2018, 09:27:47 PM
Thinking some more about the duck and bartender joke, to fill in the time in between Fridays, I am given to wonder why the bartender in this telling of the tale is so foul-mouthed. Now don't get me wrong, I live in Australia, where we never need an excuse to swear, but it struck me as a touch excessive in this particular recitation. I wonder whether the joke would be just as good without the profanity. And if it is, what purpose the profanity serves.

#justshowerthoughts

I had been readin some Aussie comments and memes before I rewrote it, so take what you will from it.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 15, 2018, 04:39:48 PM
Thinking some more about the duck and bartender joke, to fill in the time in between Fridays, I am given to wonder why the bartender in this telling of the tale is so foul-mouthed. Now don't get me wrong, I live in Australia, where we never need an excuse to swear, but it struck me as a touch excessive in this particular recitation. I wonder whether the joke would be just as good without the profanity. And if it is, what purpose the profanity serves.

#justshowerthoughts

I had been readin some Aussie comments and memes before I rewrote it, so take what you will from it.
Fuckin awesome.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Harry Black on April 15, 2018, 04:53:32 PM
Honestly thats pretty much how bartenders in Ireland speak.
And it was set in Ireland so....
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 16, 2018, 05:38:34 AM
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on April 16, 2018, 11:41:19 PM
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 17, 2018, 04:22:51 PM
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on April 17, 2018, 05:29:07 PM
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.

I have known a lot of bartenders and never known them to be overly constrained by rules.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on April 20, 2018, 01:06:08 PM
Flat Earth.


That is all.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on April 20, 2018, 01:21:17 PM
What is Batman's favorite drink order?

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: D'oh! on April 21, 2018, 05:06:24 AM
A guy is running late for a job interview and keeps circling the block, looking for a parking space. He says to God above, "Lord, if you provide me a parking space in the next 30 seconds, I swear that I'll go back to church every Sunday until the day I die!"

Just then, a parking spot presents itself right in front of the building where he's to be interviewed. He looks heavenward and says, "Never mind. I found one."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 21, 2018, 08:12:51 PM
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.

I have known a lot of bartenders and never known them to be overly constrained by rules.
I did a bar course in my yoof, but never actually worked as one. It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ron Obvious on April 21, 2018, 08:36:19 PM
It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.

Because it most likely wouldn't be water, I presume.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on April 21, 2018, 08:48:12 PM
It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.

Because it most likely wouldn't be water, I presume.
That was the argument, yes. A customer wouldn't be able to tell whether the bartender was drinking water, or, say, vodka. Or any of a variety of clear spirits.

But like I said - I'm not a bartender, but I'm still not allowed to drink alcohol while I'm at work. That's pretty much the norm.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on May 11, 2018, 10:37:54 AM
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

       Ten.  Ten Tickles.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: seamas on May 11, 2018, 11:16:13 AM
It could very easily have been set in Australia. Although here I think there are regulations against bartenders drinking on the job.

What. The. Fuck. Do. Regulations. Have. To. Do. With. What. Bartenders. Do?
Huh? Bartenders aren't allowed to drink alcohol while on duty. They can be fired for doing so. Just like most other professional workplaces do not allow their workers to drink alcohol on the job. I. Don't. Understand. Your. Question.

I have known a lot of bartenders and never known them to be overly constrained by rules.
I did a bar course in my yoof, but never actually worked as one. It was made very very clear that bartenders were not to drink - even water (!) - while on duty. I've never seen a bartender break that rule here. Perhaps it's cultural.

Definitely cultural--and definitely up to the bar owner.

I've seen many bartenders in many bars take a shot when giving a shot on the house. Probably more common iirc in the dive bars I used to frequent.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on May 25, 2018, 05:11:23 PM
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.

"You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

"Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

"Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 08, 2018, 07:06:30 PM
I'm going to start a new business venture.  I'm going to repackage the dust at the bottom of my breakfast cereal, 1/8 teaspoon back into new full-sized cereal boxes.  And I'm going to call it.....



Homey-Os!

Homey-Os, part of a ridiculous breakfast, just add milk...
  then add more milk...
    then add more milk...
        then add more milk...
            then add more milk...
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ron Obvious on June 08, 2018, 09:29:12 PM
A newly-arrived Australian soldier reports for duty to his British commanding officer in the midst of one the most Hellish battles of WW1.

The grizzled, shell-shocked officer looks the fresh-faced young soldier up and down, and asks:

"Hello, son. Have you come to die?"

The soldier replies:

"No sir. I came yesterdie."

(read it out loud)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on June 08, 2018, 09:55:02 PM
A woman makes an urgent appointment with her gynecologist. She is obviously freaking out, so the doctor brings her in straight away.

"Let's have a look," the Doctor said.

"I don't know what's going on," she said, setting her heels and scooting. "I keep finding stamps to Guatemala in there! How is that even possible?!"

The doctor looks at her, obviously incredulous, but figures investigation is in order, regardless. Shortly, the lady hears a somewhat a muffled, "Feet down."

"What is it," she asked, "What's going on?"

"Those are not stamps. Those are stickers from the bananas."
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 08, 2018, 10:19:36 PM
A man has just emigrated to the United States after having lived his life as a hermit in the mountains.  He speaks no English, but through his translator had asked his immigration officer what the most amazing part of the Us would be for him, and was told about supermarkets.  "Meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, prepared foods from around the world, available year-round."  The man asked about fried chicken, something he had heard about and dreamed of his whole life, and was told, that he would have no problem finding it.

He walked into his first Supermarket, and was stunned; this was nothing like he expected.  He looked at the produce, so large, so fresh.  An employee, seeing his expression, asks if he can help.  The man indicates he does not understand, but manages to convey he wishes to do this on his own.  He walked the aisles, so full of many different things, he couldn't wait to try it all.  He checks out, surprised at how inexpensive his selection is.  He can't wait to get home.  The picture on the container looks like the most amazing meal he has ever eaten.  And, he has learned his first word of English.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on June 08, 2018, 10:23:18 PM
A man has just emigrated to the United States after having lived his life as a hermit in the mountains.  He speaks no English, but through his translator had asked his immigration officer what the most amazing part of the Us would be for him, and was told about supermarkets.  "Meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, prepared foods from around the world, available year-round."  The man asked about fried chicken, something he had heard about and dreamed of his whole life, and was told, that he would have no problem finding it.

He walked into his first Supermarket, and was stunned; this was nothing like he expected.  He looked at the produce, so large, so fresh.  An employee, seeing his expression, asks if he can help.  The man indicates he does not understand, but manages to convey he wishes to do this on his own.  He walked the aisles, so full of many different things, he couldn't wait to try it all.  He checks out, surprised at how inexpensive his selection is.  He can't wait to get home.  The picture on the container looks like the most amazing meal he has ever eaten.  And, he has learned his first word of English.

(click to show/hide)

FTFY (I had to look up the punchline, bein' a fornur).
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 08, 2018, 10:29:27 PM
A man has just emigrated to the United States after having lived his life as a hermit in the mountains.  He speaks no English, but through his translator had asked his immigration officer what the most amazing part of the Us would be for him, and was told about supermarkets.  "Meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, prepared foods from around the world, available year-round."  The man asked about fried chicken, something he had heard about and dreamed of his whole life, and was told, that he would have no problem finding it.

He walked into his first Supermarket, and was stunned; this was nothing like he expected.  He looked at the produce, so large, so fresh.  An employee, seeing his expression, asks if he can help.  The man indicates he does not understand, but manages to convey he wishes to do this on his own.  He walked the aisles, so full of many different things, he couldn't wait to try it all.  He checks out, surprised at how inexpensive his selection is.  He can't wait to get home.  The picture on the container looks like the most amazing meal he has ever eaten.  And, he has learned his first word of English.

(click to show/hide)

FTFY (I had to look up the punchline, bein' a fornur).
A - Thanks
B - I heard it decades ago, and I have a fonder remembrance of the buildup than I was able to recreate.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on June 10, 2018, 12:02:19 AM
A man has just emigrated to the United States after having lived his life as a hermit in the mountains.  He speaks no English, but through his translator had asked his immigration officer what the most amazing part of the Us would be for him, and was told about supermarkets.  "Meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, prepared foods from around the world, available year-round."  The man asked about fried chicken, something he had heard about and dreamed of his whole life, and was told, that he would have no problem finding it.

He walked into his first Supermarket, and was stunned; this was nothing like he expected.  He looked at the produce, so large, so fresh.  An employee, seeing his expression, asks if he can help.  The man indicates he does not understand, but manages to convey he wishes to do this on his own.  He walked the aisles, so full of many different things, he couldn't wait to try it all.  He checks out, surprised at how inexpensive his selection is.  He can't wait to get home.  The picture on the container looks like the most amazing meal he has ever eaten.  And, he has learned his first word of English.

(click to show/hide)

FTFY (I had to look up the punchline, bein' a fornur).
A - Thanks
B - I heard it decades ago, and I have a fonder remembrance of the buildup than I was able to recreate.

I enjoyed it, and plan on using this (the setup at least) on someone eventually. :)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on June 10, 2018, 01:37:00 AM
I don't get it at all.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on June 10, 2018, 04:46:16 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on June 10, 2018, 08:14:33 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 10, 2018, 08:27:26 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on June 10, 2018, 08:35:53 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 10, 2018, 08:46:47 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Well, then we're even, after getting that earworm in my head on the other thread.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on June 11, 2018, 02:50:06 AM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Well, then we're even, after getting that earworm in my head on the other thread.
Mahna-mahna.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Harry Black on June 11, 2018, 06:13:01 PM
Once a week I get to read a joke that makes me chuckle.
And if I dont, I get to see a bunch of robots or lizard people (still not sure which) explain humour to each other as a foreign concept!

This is genuinely, without irony, one of the reasons I love this place! Thanks for reminding me.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 11, 2018, 06:20:34 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Well, then we're even, after getting that earworm in my head on the other thread.
Mahna-mahna.
Now I have to ask for an explanation.  Mahna-Mahna?    I would have understood Mwa-ha-ha-ha, or Nah-na na-NAH-na, or neener-neener-neener, but Mahna-mahna?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on June 12, 2018, 07:04:31 AM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Well, then we're even, after getting that earworm in my head on the other thread.
Mahna-mahna.
Now I have to ask for an explanation.  Mahna-Mahna?    I would have understood Mwa-ha-ha-ha, or Nah-na na-NAH-na, or neener-neener-neener, but Mahna-mahna?
My go-to method for dispelling an earworm. Replace it with another.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on June 12, 2018, 07:54:28 AM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Well, then we're even, after getting that earworm in my head on the other thread.
Mahna-mahna.
Now I have to ask for an explanation.  Mahna-Mahna?    I would have understood Mwa-ha-ha-ha, or Nah-na na-NAH-na, or neener-neener-neener, but Mahna-mahna?
My go-to method for dispelling an earworm. Replace it with another.

(click to show/hide)
D'oh!  I think a trailing quintuplet of "do"s would have sealed the reference for me.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Halleyscomet on June 12, 2018, 04:22:22 PM
I don't get it at all.
(click to show/hide)
That's a joke? Sounds like a mistake that he was soon going to be able to rectify. A learning experience. Not sure why it's funny, but okay.
A classic element in comedy is the subversion of expectations. 

Not every joke lands in every listener's brain.
Yep, that one certainly missed the landing here. It's okay. We're allowed to have different senses of humour.
Well, then we're even, after getting that earworm in my head on the other thread.
Mahna-mahna.
Now I have to ask for an explanation.  Mahna-Mahna?    I would have understood Mwa-ha-ha-ha, or Nah-na na-NAH-na, or neener-neener-neener, but Mahna-mahna?
My go-to method for dispelling an earworm. Replace it with another.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkAVP98h9_k
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on June 12, 2018, 11:22:31 PM
*applause*
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on August 16, 2018, 10:24:40 AM
Grammar, syntax, and cynicism walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What wouldn't it be?"

I know it isn't Friday, but if I don't post now I'll forget.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on August 17, 2018, 03:50:47 PM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on August 17, 2018, 05:57:10 PM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.

I think I died a little inside. Also, STOLEN.

ETA: I mean I'm stealing this.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on August 17, 2018, 06:26:14 PM
By all means, I ganked it from Twitter.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: wastrel on September 12, 2018, 07:28:31 PM
Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?



They take things literally. 
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Morvis13 on September 15, 2018, 09:33:57 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/l1Lv1Xx.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on September 28, 2018, 08:10:29 PM
For your consideration on this, the jokiest of all Fridays, I give you...


   The Republicans on the Senate Judicial Committee.



Also, how can you tell if a pirate is a boy or a girl?   By the color of the booties.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Paul Blevins Jr. on October 12, 2018, 03:41:29 PM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.

I think I died a little inside. Also, STOLEN.

ETA: I mean I'm stealing this.

Okay. Okay, feel free to call me stupid, but....I don't get it. It's obvious a pun off the tagline from ALIEN "In space no one can hear you scream" but I don't get it  beyond that. Why is there cream in space but not milk? Didn't astronauts have liquid milk on space missions? Is there something about milk and micro-gravity I'm ignorant about?

Sorry to be so stupid. Please educate me.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: CarbShark on October 12, 2018, 04:24:36 PM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.

I think I died a little inside. Also, STOLEN.

ETA: I mean I'm stealing this.

Okay. Okay, feel free to call me stupid, but....I don't get it. It's obvious a pun off the tagline from ALIEN "In space no one can hear you scream" but I don't get it  beyond that. Why is there cream in space but not milk? Didn't astronauts have liquid milk on space missions? Is there something about milk and micro-gravity I'm ignorant about?

Sorry to be so stupid. Please educate me.

It's a pun. Say the punchline out loud.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Paul Blevins Jr. on October 15, 2018, 03:42:51 PM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.

I think I died a little inside. Also, STOLEN.

ETA: I mean I'm stealing this.

Okay. Okay, feel free to call me stupid, but....I don't get it. It's obvious a pun off the tagline from ALIEN "In space no one can hear you scream" but I don't get it  beyond that. Why is there cream in space but not milk? Didn't astronauts have liquid milk on space missions? Is there something about milk and micro-gravity I'm ignorant about?

Sorry to be so stupid. Please educate me.

It's a pun. Say the punchline out loud.

Yeah, I got the pun! Said so on my post. I just thought there was another level to it. I was way over-thinking it.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on October 17, 2018, 10:45:46 PM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.

I think I died a little inside. Also, STOLEN.

ETA: I mean I'm stealing this.

Okay. Okay, feel free to call me stupid, but....I don't get it. It's obvious a pun off the tagline from ALIEN "In space no one can hear you scream" but I don't get it  beyond that. Why is there cream in space but not milk? Didn't astronauts have liquid milk on space missions? Is there something about milk and micro-gravity I'm ignorant about?

Sorry to be so stupid. Please educate me.

It's a pun. Say the punchline out loud.

Yeah, I got the pun! Said so on my post. I just thought there was another level to it. I was way over-thinking it.

No, there's no deeper level. Sometimes a pun is just a pun.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on October 18, 2018, 12:51:32 AM
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can.  Here, use cream.

I think I died a little inside. Also, STOLEN.

ETA: I mean I'm stealing this.

Okay. Okay, feel free to call me stupid, but....I don't get it. It's obvious a pun off the tagline from ALIEN "In space no one can hear you scream" but I don't get it  beyond that. Why is there cream in space but not milk? Didn't astronauts have liquid milk on space missions? Is there something about milk and micro-gravity I'm ignorant about?

Sorry to be so stupid. Please educate me.

It's a pun. Say the punchline out loud.

Yeah, I got the pun! Said so on my post. I just thought there was another level to it. I was way over-thinking it.

No, there's no deeper level. Sometimes a pun is just a pun.

This is supposed to be a joke thread. Haven't we all been

punished

enough?

/runs for cover

/throws chaff

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I dunno, but the flag is a big plus.

I invented a new word: plagarism

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "Get out," the bartender growled. "We don't serve your type here."

Why don't chemists trust atoms?
They make up everything.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on October 18, 2018, 02:55:21 AM
I don't get the dislike for puns. They are a valid form of humour.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on October 18, 2018, 10:48:55 AM
Crickets, lutefisk, marmite, haggis, and pickled pig's foot are a valid form of food. That doesn't mean they are desireable forms of food for most people. I personally find puns much more fun to create than to consume. I don't hate them though.

Shit, a serious comment? JOKE JOKE JOKE

What is often red and always bad for your teeth?
A brick.

A gold brick walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Au! Get outta here!"
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on December 28, 2018, 10:13:09 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/zlAsqci.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 01, 2019, 09:11:39 AM
Moo.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: fred.slota on March 01, 2019, 09:12:17 AM
Knock, Knock.
  Who's there?
Time traveling cow.
  Time traveling cow who?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Billzbub on March 01, 2019, 11:14:05 AM
That was excellent.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes...smack...awww crap.
A skydiver goes...awww crap...SMACK.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 01, 2019, 11:41:29 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 01, 2019, 11:43:34 AM
Knock knock.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on March 03, 2019, 08:11:42 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Billzbub on March 04, 2019, 02:10:54 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on March 04, 2019, 08:24:22 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.

The chicken who?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on March 04, 2019, 10:38:25 PM
This chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on March 04, 2019, 10:45:26 PM
I was thinking I was going to get a totally different chicken.

Hey, I've got a good knock knock joke. You start.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: CarbShark on March 05, 2019, 11:58:34 AM
I was thinking I was going to get a totally different chicken.

Hey, I've got a good knock knock joke. You start.

Knock, knock!
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Billzbub on March 05, 2019, 12:02:21 PM
Whose their?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on March 05, 2019, 06:33:16 PM
I was thinking I was going to get a totally different chicken.

Hey, I've got a good knock knock joke. You start.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: HighPockets on August 16, 2019, 12:58:04 PM
How does one black hole greet another black hole?




A gravitational wave.

 :downsrim:
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on August 16, 2019, 01:10:47 PM
When you realize that shovels were literally a groundbreaking invention.
(https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/022/255/tumblr_inline_o58r6dmSfe1suaed2_500.gif)
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on September 03, 2019, 07:59:50 PM
Did you know Mary Poppins does not wear lipstick while giving head?

It seems her super-colour fragile lipstick makes dicks look atrocious.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on September 03, 2019, 08:34:55 PM
Did you know that Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, so the soles of his feet were very tough. He also had a weird diet that both affected his health and made him very frail, and gave him very bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: daniel1948 on September 03, 2019, 10:45:08 PM
Did you know that Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, so the soles of his feet were very tough. He also had a weird diet that both affected his health and made him very frail, and gave him very bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

That was really funny the first time I heard it about 25 years ago.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: arthwollipot on September 03, 2019, 11:22:25 PM
Did you know that Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, so the soles of his feet were very tough. He also had a weird diet that both affected his health and made him very frail, and gave him very bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

That was really funny the first time I heard it about 25 years ago.

Wait until I remember my other joke based on that word, which is at least 50 years old. :D
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: bachfiend on September 03, 2019, 11:50:33 PM
Did you know that Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, so the soles of his feet were very tough. He also had a weird diet that both affected his health and made him very frail, and gave him very bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

That was really funny the first time I heard it about 25 years ago.

Wait until I remember my other joke based on that word, which is at least 50 years old. :D

I read a good joke in the current Australian sceptical magazine.

Q:  Why did the Americans, the Soviets and the former Communist East Germany cooperate in attempting to raise the Titanic?

A:
(click to show/hide)
.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: Ron Obvious on September 04, 2019, 07:43:23 AM
The version I remember most is one of the most famous sports headlines of all time. From the Scottish FA Cup when minnow Caledonan Thistle upset highly-favoured Celtic in the third round:

Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: brilligtove on September 07, 2019, 10:17:02 PM
I applied to be a sperm donor. The nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup. I told her I'm pretty good, but there's no way I'm ready to compete in a pro-level tournament.
Title: Re: Joke Friday!
Post by: daniel1948 on October 04, 2019, 04:36:04 PM
This was told to me as a true story. I have no idea:

A taxi driver in a city close to the US/Canadian border was called to an address in Canada to take a passenger to the U.S. When he got there he was told his passenger would ride in the trunk. He opened the trunk and an Asian man got in, and they closed the trunk. Driving to the border, the taxi driver thought to himself, "I'm not going to risk going to prison for a cab fare." So when he got to the border and the customs agent asked him if he had anything to declare, he said, "Yes. There's a Chinaman in the trunk of my car." The customs officer just said, "Get out of here!" and waved him on through.

I laughed for about 5 minutes when I heard this joke.